It's either him or me
by Pezberrylover0612
Summary: Santana is tired of only holding half of Rachel's heart.   This has nothing to do with any of my other stories
1. Chapter 1

Rachel and I are lying in my bed holding each other, after what seems to be the best sex we ever had. I couldn't hide the grin on my face even if I wanted to. I'm lying here holding the girl I love. Everything is right in the world, until I hear her phone go off. She picks it up to read a text and without telling me who it's from I already know.

"It's Noah, we have a date tonight." Rachel says quietly, but not quiet enough for me to not hear her.

"Ok, Just go."

"San,don't be mad." She says that every time she's with him, but how could I not when my heart only belongs to her while she's sharing hers with two people?

Let me explain the hell that is my life. Rachel and I started out as a 'friends with benefits' type relationship, I was upset about Brittany with Artie and she was upset that Finn dumped her after taking her virginity. We were drunk at one of puck's parties and long story short, we ended up in bed that night. We continued having sex, until Rachel admitted to having feelings for me. At first I went into some gay panic, but eventually I came around. We both agreed to keep our relationship a secret until we, (although mostly me) were ready to tell everyone. When Rachel and I started hanging out in public more people started to get suspicious, so I started fake dating Sam and Rachel started fake dating Puck. Well it was suppose to be fake dating, until I walked in on them in Puck's room about to have sex.

FLASHBACK

I start running as fast as I can. I don't even know where I'm going,but I know I can't be here. I love her! I Fucking love her! I was so stupid for ever thinking she loved me back!

"San! San,wait!" I hear Rachel screaming and running after me. I want to keep running, but for some unknown reason I stop.

"Wait for what, Rachel! For me to hear 'let me explain' or 'it wasn't what it looked like'!"

"Actually, it was what it looked like." Is she fucking serious right now?

"Oh, that makes me feel so much better Rachel!"

"Listen, San I-" she says in a soft voice, but fuck that!

"You what! You decided before you went to meet your girlfriend, who Fucking loves you by the way, you would take a quick ride on the puckerman express!" I'm trying my hardest not to cry, but I can't stop the tears from pouring out my eyes. Rachel isn't saying anything, she's just standing there with a confused look on her face. "What? Now you can't think of anything to say?"

"You just said that you loved me." Oh shit! I did just say that! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

"Yeah, I love you. I thought you loved me too, but now I clearly see I was wrong!"

"You're not."

"What?"

"San, I do love you." She reaches her hands out for mine, but I pull away.

"No! How can you say you love me after what I just saw?" This isn't making any sense, the only conclusion was that I was in love with a crazy person.

"Because, I do love you! But I love him too." She whispered that last part, but she might as well have shout it out for the whole world to hear.

"You can't have us both!"

"San, I don't want to lose you, but I need him too." Yup I'm in love with a crazy person, but I don't want to lose her. I just found out I was in love with her. I just gave her my heart, I can't have her just rip it out.

"Ok" I sigh in defeat

"Ok?"

"Look if you need both of us I'm not going to make you choose, but I want you to know that you're the only one who has my heart." She smiles and pulls me in for a kiss. This should be the best kiss of my life considering we just said I love you for the first time. Then again you don't usually say 'I love you and someone else'. So instead the kiss feels empty.

"I'm going to go talk to Noah." Rachel's tells me before giving me a quick kiss,then head off back to Puck.

END OF FLASHBACK

So, there you have it. That's how I ended up lying here with my girlfriend, while she texts her boyfriend. This is so fucked up! She was the one who wanted more than a 'friends with benefits' relationship! She's the one who wanted the romance! And now that I'm giving that to her it's not enough! Maybe I just can't take it anymore.

"Rach, how can you ask me not to get mad considering what we just did and you're already texting him?" I know I shouldn't be yelling at her. After all I did agree to this, but I'm just hurting too much.

"How can you sit there and yell at me, when you knew what you were getting into when you agreed to this relationship?" She yells at me while she gets out of bed to get dressed.

"Maybe,I don't want to be in this relationship anymore!" I totally just said that in the heat of the moment, but I don't regret it. It had to be said.

"What are you saying?" Rachel says, as she tries to fight back the tears in her eyes.

"I'm saying it's either him or me, Rachel." This is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do

"Please,don't make me choose." I knew she was going to say that.

"Fine, I'll make it easy for you. We're done, I can't continue to give you my entire heart, to only get half of yours in return." I try to fight back my tears, but it's useless. I can feel them running down my cheek.

"Baby, please don't do this." Rachel say's trying to hold back her own tears.

"Don't call me baby! You lost that right the second you ripped my heart out!" I'm not even trying to hold back the tears anymore. What's the use? How much pride do I have left anyway?

"San,"

"No! Just leave Rachel! Go to your perfect little Jewish boyfriend, have the perfect little Jewish family and forget I ever existed!"

"San, please."

"Just go!" I shout and this time she doesn't argue, she just nods and walks out the door. Watching her walk away, I knew she was taking a piece of my heart with her. Oh who am I kidding? She took my whole fucking heart with her! I throw myself on the bed and just cry. I'm hurting everywhere, it feels like someone punched a hole in my chest and squeezed my heart until it exploded! I don't know how to live without Rachel. I don't even know how I'll ever have the energy to leave this bed, so for now I just cry myself to sleep. 


	2. Chapter 2

I'm lying down on my bed underneath the covers, just like I have for the past 2 weeks. I know how pathetic it sounds. I mean I'm Santana fucking Lopez! I don't do love! I let myself fall, even though I swore it would never happen and now I don't feel like the same old badass anymore. I'm trying to get over Rachel, but she makes it even harder to get over her when she texts me every single day! Why doesn't she understand that I don't want to see her, I don't want to talk to her, I want to forget she ever existed! Rachel isn't the only one texting me non-stop. I've gotten text messages from Brittany, Quinn, Mercedes, and Tina. I know they're all just worried about me, so I send them at least one text, so they know I'm still alive. I should probably check my phone now, because I haven't text anybody today and I don't want anyone coming over here.  
>I pick up my phone to see 5 new text messages.<p>

**From Britt: San r u still a sad little panda? We can go to the duck pond to cheer you up**

**From Q: Lopez u need to get your ass out of bed!**

**From Aretha: Satan you have to come back to school soon. I can't keep getting your work for you**

**From girl Asian: Hey Santana r u ok?**

**From Puckerman: You know our girl has been crying about you for the past 2 weeks**

Fuck Noah Puckerman! How dare he text me about Rachel! He's the reason she's not my girl anymore! He's the reason I've been in bed for 2 weeks! He's the reason there's a hole where my heart use to be! I'm gonna text the rest of them to let them know I'm ok then I'm gonna have a little talk with Noah puckerman!

**To Britt: I'm ok Britt. I'm not really up for going to the duck pond though**

**To Q: I'm fine Q. I'll get out of bed when I'm ready!**

**To Aretha: I'm going back on Monday**

**To girl Asian: I'm fine vampira**

I'm thinking should I call Puck? Should I just text him? I think I'll text him first and see how this goes

**To Puckerman: she isn't our girl anymore! She's yours, so why don't you do something about it!**

**From Puckerman: I'm trying, but you really broke her heart**

How fucking dare he say I broke her heart!

**To Puckerman: I broke her heart? She broke my heart! I don't care if she's hurting! She hurt me!**

How dare he try to make me feel sorry for Rachel! She should feel bad! She asked me for commitment in our relationship! And when I gave it to her she went out with someone else! Now I'm trying to get over her and she wont let me! I'm so pissed off that I jump out of bed and start punching the wall. I continue to punch the wall until I hear my phone ring. I look at the screen to see it's Puckerman.

"What the hell do you want?" I say when I answer the phone

"I just want to talk San." Puck says calmly

"About what?"

"Rachel." I don't want to talk about her! I want to forget her!

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't hang up right now!"

"Because you love her." Puck whispers and it actually hurts how right he is

"You have five minutes to say what you want to say."

"She's hurting San."

"Why should I care! Don't you guys know that I'm hurting? Or did you not notice I haven't been at school for the last 2 weeks?" He's really telling me that Rachel's hurting! What about me damn it?

"Of course we noticed! She's really worried about you Santana!" Puck yells

"I don't give a damn if she's worried about me!" I expect him to yell back but instead I hear a familiar voice in the backround

"Who are you talking to Noah?" It's Rachel and her voice sounds week. You can tell she's been crying. I don't want to feel sorry for her. I mean she broke my heart! But, hearing her sound so small, hurts the heart that I didn't even know I still had.

"It's Santana." Puck answers her

"Is she ok?" I hear Rachel ask

"Oh, I'm fucking peachy! What the hell does she think?" How dare she act like she cares about me!

"Calm down San." Puck says

"Don't tell me to fucking calm down!"

"Tana." I hear Rachel's sad little voice and it only hurts worst

"What do you want Rachel?" I ask with obvious anger in my voice

"I just want to know if you're alright." She whispers

"Well I'm not alright Rachel! I'm fucking heart broken!"

"I'm so sorr-"

"No Rachel! I don't want your fake apologies! And I certainly don't want you to act like you actually care about me or how I feel!"

"I do care about you Santana!" Rachel shouts and I can tell that she's crying

"You say that a lot Rachel, but I stopped believing that a long time ago!"

"Damn it Santana!" I hear Puck's voice "I called you to make Rachel feel better! Not so you can make her cry!"

"Why would I want to make her feel better? I've been so fucking depressed for the past 2 weeks! I can't even get myself to feel better, why would I make Rachel feel better?"

"Because you love-"

"Don't you fucking say it's because I love her, because you know what? I don't love her! Not anymore!" When I'm done shouting, I hang up my phone and throw it against the wall. It was a total lie of course. I still love Rachel, but it had to be said so they can leave me alone. I wish I can just stop loving Rachel, but I can't.


	3. Chapter 3

I'm lying down on my bed crying when I hear a knock on the front door. I ignore it, because I know my mom will answer it. I figure if it's someone who wants to see me my mom will just send them away, but then I hear someone coming up the stairs.

"Lopez!" I hear Quinn's voice from outside my bedroom door

"What the hell do you want, Fabray!" I yell from under my covers

"You're getting out of bed today!" When she says that I jump out of bed and swing open the door

"I am? Are you going to make me?" I realize how pathetic it sounds, but I'm not ready to face the world

"Me and Britt, she'll be here any minute." I don't say anything back, instead I walk back to my bed and get back under the covers. "Hell no, San! You have to get out of this room!"

"The hell I do! Can't you just let me stay here the weekend! It's bad enough I have to go back to school Monday!"

"No! You've spent enough time hiding!" I'm about to tell Quinn 'Fuck you', but Britt walks in

"Sannie, why haven't you text me back?" Brittany asks as she jumps into my bed with me. I point to my broken phone that's still on the floor

"What happened to your phone, San?" Quinn asks as she picks it up off the floor

"After I texted you guys yesterday, Puck and Ra-Rachel called yesterday." I hadn't realized I was crying until I said Rachel's name

"What the hell did they want?" Quinn asks with obvious anger in her voice

"Puck sent me a text that said Rachel had been crying." I laugh bitterly at the thought "And, he wanted me to talk to her to make her feel better."

"What?" Quinn and Britt yell at the same time

"Yeah." I say as I start crying harder and Brittany wraps her arms around me

"That jackass!" Quinn shouts "He actually thinks that you would want to make that little bitch feel better!"

"Don't call her that!" I yell without thinking

"Why not? Look at what she's done to you! You're one of my best friends and I can't stand to see you hurt!" I sigh when I realize Quinn's right. Why am I defending Rachel? She's caused me more pain than anyone else ever had.

"I know, Q." I expect Quinn to start lecturing me more, but what actually happened I didn't see coming at all

"That's it!" Brittany yells as puts her hands on my shoulders "I've had enough of this! You're Santana Fucking Lopez! You don't let anyone hurt you! You don't stay in bed all day because of some girl! You shake it off and move on!" I can't believe this. Britt is the one who's yelling at me right now? How bad have I let this get?

"You're right!" I yell as I jump out of bed "This pathetic and weepy Santana is gone! I've got to move on already!" Quinn and Britt smile before they both hug me "I'm going to get dressed then we're going to the mall. I need a new phone anyway." The girls nod and I head to the bathroom to get ready

Once I'm ready I tell my mom I'm hanging with my girls and she didn't question it. Honestly I think she's just glad I'm getting out of the house. When the girls and I finally get to the mall, we head to a cell phone stand. I start looking through phones, when I hear a familiar voice.

"Santana?" Mercedes says "Good to see you out and about."

"Yeah." I shrugged "I decided staying in bed all day was just pathetic. Since when do you have a job?" I ask when I notice she's wearing an employee's shirt

"Oh, my dad wanted me to learn responsibility or something. So, you need a new phone?"

"Yes she does," Quinn says "She broke her other one."

"How?"

"Whoa," I say "I'm not sure I want the school's biggest gossip knowing how I broke my phone."

"Oh, it's because of Rachel." Mercedes says as if it's the obvious thing in the world

"And Puck." Brittany says and Mercedes nods

"Look, I know I'm a gossip, but if a friend told me something in confidence I would never betray their trust."

"Yeah ok." I say annoyed that we're talking about this "Can I just pay for the damn phone now?"

"Let me activate it." Mercedes says as I hand her the phone "Do you want the same number?"

"No!" Quinn, Britt, and I yell at the same time. We were all obviously thinking the same thing

"Ok." Mercedes laughs "I'll give you a new number."

"Thanks."

"How long will it take, Mercy?" Quinn asks

"About twenty minutes." Mercedes answers "You guys can go to the food court or something and come back for it."

Quinn nods and says 'ok' before we head to the food court. Once we're there I take Britt for a hot dog on a stick and Quinn takes a seat at one of the tables.

"Are you ok, San?" Britt asks as we get in line

"Yeah." I say with a shrug

"You don't seem ok. Talk to me, San" Damn Brittany for knowing me so well!

"You're right." I sigh "I'm not ok, but I don't want to talk about it here."

"Ok."

Britt and I get her corn dog and walk towards Quinn, when I notice something is going on. I can tell Q has something to say right now.

"What's up, Q?"

"I got a text from Mercedes that says to avoid the music store." That can only mean Rachel's there, but I have a feeling there's something else

"Is there something else?"

"She says to check out the arcade."

I don't question why, because this is Mercedes. She's the school gossip and if she says to check something out, then it has to be good. The girls and I get to the arcade and I see exactly why Mercedes told us to come here. Puck's in there making out with a girl who isn't Rachel.

"No fucking way." Quinn whispers and before I know what I'm doing, I run towards Puck and slam him against the wall.


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm sorry my last chapter was so short. I hope this one makes up for it.**

* * *

><p>"What the hell, Santana?" Puck yells<p>

"Who is this girl you're with!" I shout and I don't understand why I'm so angry or why I care at all

"Her names Stacy." He says as he starts squirming

"Does Rachel know about Stacy?" Ok seriously, why do I care?

"No!" Puck shouts "Are you going to tell her?"

"Shouldn't I?" I ask "You called me yesterday, because Rachel was upset about me, but you're cheating on her!"

"Santana!" I hear Quinn shout from behind me "Let him go!"

"No! I want answers!"

"Why do you care, Santana?" Puck yells "She broke your heart remember? You said you don't love her anymore!"  
>I release my grip on Puck when I realize he's right. Rachel did break my heart. She couldn't even choose between me and this cheating bastard!<p>

"You're right." I whisper before I run out of the arcade and Quinn and Britt run after me. I don't understand what happened. Why should I care what happens between Puck and Rachel? I don't care! I don't! If Rachel would rather be with a cheater when I was completely faithful to her, then fine!

"San!" I hear Quinn and Britt shout

"What?" I ask louder than I wanted to

"Are you ok, Sannie?" Britt asks

"Yeah." I sigh "Let's just go get my phone."

The girls nod and we make our way back towards the cell phone stand, and just when I think my day can't get any worst there SHE is.

"Shit." I mumble under my breath

"I got your back." Quinn whispers as we get closer to Rachel

"Does that mean I get her front?" I hear Britt ask Quinn as we're walking by Rachel. I pray that she doesn't talk to me

"San?" Fuck! I was hoping she would just ignore me

"Berry." I say coldly

"We're back to Berry now?" Rachel asks disappointed

"Looks like that."

"I'm glad to see you're ok." Is this chick for real? Does she really think I'm ok?

"You know what, Berry."

"Ok." Quinn says "I think we're done with this conversation." Britt and Q grab me by the arm and we start to walk away

"Did you mean it?" Rachel shouts from behind us

"Mean what?" I ask as I turn to face her

"That you don't love me anymore." I really can't believe this girl! I'm about to tell her off, but Quinn beats me to it

"How dare you!" She shouts in Rachel's face "Can't you see how much you hurt her? Can't you see she's trying to move on? Just go back to your boyfriend and leave her alone!" I notice Rachel's starting to cry and it hurts. It fucking hurts! I still love her! Why can't I just stop? Quinn and Britt grab me again and we walk away. We walk in complete silence until we reach the phone stand.

"Hey guys." Mercedes says "Here's your phone, Santana. Don't worry about paying for it."

"What? I can't jus-"

"Don't worry about it." Mercedes says in a more stern voice "My boss says as long as someone already has a one year plan, I can get my family free phones."

"But,"

"Don't you dare say you're not family." I smile at Mercedes's words as I nod

"Mercy, why did you send us to arcade?" Quinn asks

"Actually, Quinn I said YOU should check out the arcade." Mercedes says

"Oh." Quinn says as I glare at her "How did you know what was going on in the arcade?"

"Puck's been meeting that girl everyday for the past couple weeks." Mercedes explains

"Are you sure?" Britt asks

"Yup."

"And you haven't told Rachel?" I shout without thinking

"Calm down, Santana" Mercedes says "I tried, but she wouldn't listen."

"You told her?"

"Well, like I said, I tried to tell her. Once I told her it was something bad about Puck she refused to listen."

"And she'd still rather be with him?" I shout in disbelief

"Whoa." Quinn says as she grabs my shoulders "What do you mean by 'rather'? She has no choice, remember?"

"Yeah." I say unconvincing

"You can't honestly be thinking of taking her back." Mercedes says

"I'm not!" I say much louder than I should have

"You are!" Quinn, Britt, and Mercedes say at the same time

"No! I'm not!"

"Ok." Quinn says as she crosses her arms "What would you do if Puck and Rachel break up tomorrow?"

"Nothing." I answer a little unsure. What if they did break up? Is it so bad if I want my girl back? Should I tell her? Should I try to get her back?

"I know what you're thinking." Quinn says "Look at how bad she hurt you. Do you really want to go through that again?"

"But, if Puckerman is out of the picture, we can go back to the way we were." That made more sense in my head

"San, if she really loved you as much as you love her, then Puckerman wouldn't of happened." Mercedes says and I nod frowning,Rachel wasn't totally committed to me before. I'm just going to leave their relationship alone. As far as I'm concerned there's no hope of Rachel and I ever getting back together.

"Why don't we get you home,San?" Quinn asks

"Yeah." I sigh "I'm kind of missing my bed."

"Then, let's go" Brittany says as she takes my hand

"Ok." I give Brittany a weak smile before I turn my head towards Mercedes "Thanks, Mercedes."

"It's just a phone." She says with a shrug

"No, I mean for being a good friend."

"Anytime, Santana."

The girls and I say goodbye to Mercedes before we head to my place. Once we're at my place I start to run upstairs, but Quinn stops me by grabbing my arm.

"What?" I ask irritated

"I'm sorry." She says and I give her a confused look "I knew you didn't want to go out today, but I made you."

"Q," I sigh "You were just being a good friend. You had no idea what was going to happen today."

"Britt and I want to have a sleepover tonight." Quinn says "We can have fun without going anywhere."

"Yeah!" Britt yells excitedly and startrs jumping up and down "We can watch movies, order a pizza, and play the X-box!"

"Whoa," I say as I try to get Brittany to stop jumping "Calm down, Britt. I don't know if we can do all that."

"Why not?"

"Because, I'm not really uo to it."

"Screw that, Lopez!" Quinn yells "You've been upset for too long and tonight we're having fun!"

"Please, San." Britt pouts as she wraps her arms around me

"Ok." I sigh in defeat, because you just can't say no to Brittany

"Yay!" Britt yells before she runs towards my room

"Hey." Quinn says as I was about to walk after Brittany

"What?" I ask before she hugs me

"You know we're here for you."

"I know. Thanks Q." I know I've been pushing my friends away, but it means a lot to me that they were patient with me and waited for me to be sort of ok before trying to help me out. I don't know what I'd do if they weren't here for me.

I spent the rest of the weekend at home only this time I had my girls with me. I honestly don't know what I would do without my friends. We watched movies, ordered a pizza, played just dance even though Q and I knew we didn't stand a chance against Brittany. A weekend with my girls is just what I needed. They helped me realize that it might take time, but I'll be ok. I have to realize that I had a great life before Rachel and I could get that back. Right now Quinn, Britt and I are headed to school. Quinn insisted on driving, because she was afraid I was going to skip again.

"I would of been fine driving myself to school, Q" I say glaring at her from the back seat of her car

"I'm sure you would, but I had to make sure you actually went today." Quinn says as we pull into the school

"I said I would be here today." I mumble as I jump out of the car

"Plus," Quinn says as her and Britt get out of the car "You have to talk to Figgins about your two week absence."

"Shit! I forgot about that!"

"Don't worry, San." Britt says as she hugs me "I'm sure Figgins won't be too hard on you."

"I think I'm going to go talk to him now." I say when Britt releases her grip on me

"Ok, San."

Quinn and Britt head towards their lockers and I walk towards Figgins' office. I'm not worried about what he'll say or do, I just wanted to get through this day without worrying about anything. When I get to his office I notice he's waiting for me.

"Ms Lopez I'm sure you know why I asked you in here today." Figgins says as I take a seat

"I do."

"Would you care to explain why you missed two weeks of school?"

"No." I answer quickly, because I don't want to talk about Rachel

"No?"

"No." I repeated "In my absence I did all my work and I didn't miss anything important, so I'm not explaining why I wasn't here." I say before I storm out of the office. I know it was childish and immature, but I just want to get this day over with.

While I'm storming through the hall I see Puck and Rachel kissing by her locker. I feel a painful feeling in my gut and I can't explain it. It feels like betrayal and a small hint of guilt, because I know what Puck's doing behind her back.  
>I push all those feelings aside and just walk right past them. I notice Quinn and Britt waiting for me as I approach my locker.<p>

"How'd it go?" Quinn asks as I open my locker

"Alright." I say with a shrug

"Did he ask a bunch of questions?" Britt asks

"No, just why I haven't been here the last couple weeks."

"What did you say?"

"That I didn't want to talk about it." I say as I collect my books and we head down the hall

"Let me guess what happened next." Quinn says "You stormed out of his office." I was about to tell Quinn that's exactly what I did, but I noticed something. Puck was standing by Rachel while she got books out of her locker, and that girl Stacy walked by and blew Puck a kiss and Puck smirked as he pretended to catch it. I feel this anger build inside me as I grab Stacy and pull her into an empty classroom.

"What the he-"

"How long have you been seeing Puck?" I ask cutting her off

"I'm not seeing Puck, we're just fooling around." Stacy says with a shrug

"Fine. How long?" I say through gritted teeth

"Just a couple weeks." She answers "It started when his girlfriend stopped putting out for him."

"She stopped?" I ask not exactly sure why it makes me happy

"Yeah. He said one week she's begging for it and the next she's shooting him down."

"Begging for it?" I ask pissed off that Puck's talking about Rachel like she's some slut

"That's what he said. Apparently she was quite a freak before she started holding out." That's it! That's what caused me to snap! I grab Stacy by the shirt and slam her against the wall

"Don't you ever talk about her like that again! Do you understand me?"

"Santana!" I hear Quinn yell from behind me "Put her down!"

"Not until she says she understands!"

"Fine!" Stacy yells "I understand!" As soon as I realize she gets the point, I let her go and she runs out of the classroom

"Are you insane?" Quinn yells

"No! She was talking shit abou-"

"About Rachel?" Quinn yells cutting me off and I nod "Damn it, Santana! You've been suspend twice this year for fighting, both times because of Rachel I might add, and if you get caught one more time you'll get expelled!"  
>I forgot about those fights. The first one happened when Rachel and I went public with our relationship and a jock slushied her, and the second one was when I caught another girl hitting on Rachel.<p>

"You're right." I sigh

"Look, San I know you still care about Rachel, but I don't want you getting in any more trouble because of her." Quinn says in a stern voice and I nod "Now let's get to class, we're already late."

* * *

><p><strong>Ok readers I'm going to ask you for help. On the next chapter I want Rachel to find out about Puck's cheating, but should it be from Santana or from Puck himself? Also, should I write it in Rachel's POV?<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

**Alright readers here you go, this chapter was written in Rachel's Pov**

* * *

><p>I'm walking through the hallway when I hear what sounds like shouting coming from an empty classroom. I know I should just ignore it, but when I hear a voice that sounds like Santana, I stand outside of the classroom and peek my head in to see what's going on. When I look inside I see that Santana has some girl pinned against the wall.<p>

"Don't you ever talk about her like that again! Do you understand me?" I hear Santana yell at the girl

"Santana!" I hear Quinn yell from behind Santana "Put her down!"

"Not until she says she understands!"

"Fine!" The girl yells "I understand!" As soon as the girl says that, Santana let's her go and she runs out of the classroom and finds me standing there

"Oh it's you."

"Do I know you?" i ask confused

"No. But, you might want to continue listening. I'm sure it's about to get very interesting." The girl says before she walks off and I turn to see Quinn's really angry

"Are you insane?" Quinn yells at Santana

"No! She was talking shit abou-"

"About Rachel?" Quinn yells cutting Santana off and she nods "Damn it, Santana! You've been suspend twice this year for fighting, both times because of Rachel I might add, and if you get caught one more time you'll get expelled!"  
>I forgot about those fights. Quinn's right, I was the cause of those fights. Have I been nothing but trouble sine Santana and I started dating?<p>

"You're right." Santana sighs

"Look, San I know you still care about Rachel, but I don't want you getting in any more trouble because of her." Quinn says in a stern voice and Santana nods "Now let's get to class, we're already late."

When I see the girls headed this way I run. That girl was talking about me? I don't even know that girl. Why would she be talking about me? Wait! That girl was talking bad about me and Santana defended me! I knew it! I knew she was lying! I knew she still loves me! So what if she does still love me? It's not like she'll get back together with me whether I'm with Noah or not. This just hurts too much! I want Santana back, but I know if I tell her that only one of two things could happen. One- She'll reject me or two she'll ask me to break up with Noah. I know how messed up it sounds, but I'm in love with Noah too. I realize that our relationship was only suppose to be a cover to hide my relationship with Santana, but I truly fell for him. I'm not saying that I ever stopped being in love with Santana, in fact I am still very much in love with her. But, I just fell for Noah. I fell for his charm. I fell for his smile. I fell for the way he holds me tight after we make love. It's just too confusing. I feel like half of me belongs to Noah, but the other half belongs to Santana. I guess since Santana broke up with me, all I can do is hope that the half of me who loves Santana can heal and eventually fall for Noah too. All I can do for now is get through the rest of this day and try to forget what I just saw in that empty classroom.

* * *

><p>The rest of the day was uneventful. I spotted Santana a couple of times, but as soon as she saw me she'd turn the other way. It's obvious she's avoiding me and I can't say I blame her. Our break up wasn't exactly on good terms, but I hate not having Santana in my life. I don't think she wants to be apart of my life anymore. The fact that She's been avoiding me proves that. I've put her through so much pain, but I honestly didn't mean to. I didn't mean to fall for Noah when I'm still in love with Santana, but I can't help who I fall for. Right now we're in Glee rehearsal and Mr Schue just asked if someone has a song they would like to perform.<p>

"I have a song Mr shue." Santana says as she stands up

"Alright take it away, Santana." Mr Schue says

_I'm not the type to get my heart broken I'm not the type to get upset and cry Cause I never leave my heart open Never hurts me to say goodbye Relationships don't get deep to me Never got the whole in love thing And someone can say they love me truly But at the time it didn't mean a thing_

Santana doesn't even have to look at me for me to know she's singing this for me. I truly never meant to break her heart.

_My mind is gone, I'm spinning round And deep inside, my tears I'll drown I'm losing grip, what's happening I stray from love, this is how I feel This time was different Felt like, I was just a victim And it cut me like a knife When you walked out of my life Now I'm, in this condition And I've, got all the symptoms Of a girl with a broken heart But no matter what you'll never see me cry_

As Santana sings that last part she's looking right at me now. I can't help the guilty feeling I have when I notice the hurt expression on her face. I wish I can fix everything, but I know it's too late.

_Did it happen when we first kissed?_  
><em>Cause it's hurting me to let it go Maybe 'cause we spent so much time And I know that it's no more I should've never let you hold me baby Maybe why I'm sad to see us apart I didn't give to you on purpose Can't figure out how you stole my heart<em>

_My mind is gone, I'm spinning round And deep inside, my tears I'll drown I'm losing grip, what's happening I stray from love, this is how I feel This time was different Felt like, I was just a victim And it cut me like a knife When you walked out of my life Now I'm, in this condition And I've, got all the symptoms Of a girl with a broken heart But no matter what you'll never see me cry_

I know by now that everyone knows that she's singing to me, because almost everyone is glaring at me.

_How did I get here with you, I'll never know?_  
><em>I never meant to let it get so, personal And after all I tried to do, to stay away from loving you I'm broken hearted and I can't let you know And I won't let it show You won't see me cry<em>

I try to hold it back, but I couldn't stop the tear that was falling from my eye

_This time was different Felt like, I was just a victim And it cut me like a knife When you walked out of my life Now I'm, in this condition And I've, got all the symptoms Of a girl with a broken heart But no matter what you'll never see me cry All my life..._

By the time the song is over I'm in tears. I call tell Santana is hurting, but true to her word she isn't crying. I feel so terrible. I wish I could just go up there and hold her. I was actually close to saying something until I see Quinn and Brittany walk up to Santana and hug her and walk her back to the seat. When I see that almost everyone is still glaring at me, I realize I can't take it anymore. I get up and just run out of the choir room. I was heading to the bathroom when I hear Noah calling my name.

"What?" I ask through my tears

"Don't cry, baby." He says as he tries to wrap his arms around me

"How can I not, Noah?" I say as I step away from him "I hurt her! I hurt her so bad, Noah! Did you see the look on her face? She probably hates me!"

"Babe, it's Santana. She'll get over it." Noah says as he goes to wrap his arms around my waist and this time I let him hold me

"How can you be sure?" I ask as I wrap my arms around him. I am so lucky to have him in my life

"Because I know Santana doesn't hate you and she never could." Noah says as he holds me tighter and I smile "For all you know she could meet someone else by the time prom comes along." My smile fades away instantly at the thought of Santana being with someone else

"Do you think she'll be better by then?" I ask as Noah and I pull apart

"Prom is still four months away. How long do you think she's going to be upset?" Noah asks and I just nod to show I understand. I didn't realize that prom was still four months away, because Santana and I were planning on going to prom together way before Noah and I started dating "Do you want to go back in there?"

"No." I answer quickly "I just want to go home." Noah nods before giving me a quick kiss

"Ok. I'll tell everyone you weren't feeling good."

"That's sweet, Noah. But, everyone in there knew that song was for me." I start to feel tears fall from my eyes before I just run to my car not saying another word. I just want to go home. I just need to get away from here

* * *

><p>As soon as I get home I run into my room and throw myself on my bed. I can't hold back these tears even if I tried. I can't get that heart broken expression that was on Santana's face off of my mind. I didn't realize how much I actually hurt her. I don't know what to do. So for now I'm just going to hold my pillow and cry.<p>

After about an hour of crying I decide I really need to talk to my friends. So, I take out my phone and decide to text Kurt and Mercedes.

**To Kurt: Hey Kurt are you with Mercedes?**

**From Kurt: Yes she's right here why?**

**To Kurt: I could really use my friends right now**

**From Kurt: Then open your front door cause we're here**

After I read that last text I run down stairs to the front door to just swing it open. When I open the door I instantly pull my freiends in for a hug.

"What are you guys doing here?" I ask as we head towards my room

"Well," Mercedes says "We noticed you were crying after you left rehearsal and figured you could use your friends right now."

"So," Kurt says as the three of us sit on my bed "I suggested we have a girls night."

"I'm glad you did." I say smiling at Kurt "I really do need you guys right now."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Kurt asks and I take a deep breath before I answer

"Do you guys hate me?"

"What? Of course not!" Kurt and Mercedes yell at the same time

"Rach, why would you ask us that?" Kurt asks

"It's just that you guys are friends with Santana too and-"

"I'm gonna stop you right there, Rachel." Mercedes says cutting me off "I love Santana like a sister and I hate to see her hurting like this. But, I love you too, Rachel. You might be all kinds of crazy, but you're still one of my best friends and I could never hate you."

"The same goes for me, Rachel."

"Thank you." I whisper as I try to hold back more tears "How is Santana, Mercedes?"

"You completely broke her."

"Mercy!" Kurt yells and Mercedes shrugs

"What she asked and I'm not going to sugar coat it for her. Rachel, I know you're feeling bad right now and I don't want to see you hurt. But, I'm telling you straight up that Santana is a mess." I realize that Mercedes is trying to be honest with me, but I can't help but feel even worst considering I'm hearing this from one of my best friends "I mean one day she says she's done with you and the next day she's fight with a girl because of you."

"The girl she fought with at school?" Mercedes gives me a confused look and nods "Who is that girl anyway?"

"Stacy." Kurt answers

"How do you know her?" I ask

"We only know about her and what happened, because Quinn told us." Mercedes says "But, how do you know about the fight?"

"Oh, I was standing outside the classroom when it happened."

"So, do you know?" Kurt asks

"Know what?"

"Why Santana was fighting with that girl." Mercedes says

"No, I just know it had something to do with me."

"Rachel." Mercedes sighs "I tried to tell you about Puck-"

"Mercedes, if this is about Noah cheating on me then I don't want to hear it." I say cutting her off

"Rach, we're just trying to protect you." Kurt says

"Well, I appreciate you guys being there for me. But, I don't need you to protect me from Noah. He loves me, and I know he would never cheat on me."

"You're right, Rachel." Kurt says "Noah, your perfect little boyfriend would never cheat on you."

"But, Puck the 'sex shark' would." Mercedes says

"Can we just talk about anything else?" I ask and Kurt and Mercedes nod. I know Noah has a history of cheating and lying, but I know he would never do that to me. He loves me and I trust him.

* * *

><p>I wake up this morning determined to get to school early. Last night Kurt, Mercedes and I spent the rest of our girls night talking about Santana until Mercedes suggested we watch funny girl to cheer me up, but it didn't. After talking to Kurt and Mercedes, I realized that the only thing that will make me feel better is if I talk to Santana. So, this morning I'm skipping my exercise routine and going straight to school. I know for a fact that the cheerios are there an hour before school starts and I need to talk to Santana. I just have to know that she doesn't hate me. I need to hear her say it. Right now I just drove up to the school and I spot Santana standing by her car with Quinn and Brittany. I park in my usual spot and get out of my car to walk towards the girls.<p>

"What do want, Berry?" Quinn asks as I approach them

"I just want to talk to Santana."

"About what?" Brittany asks as she stands between me and Santana

"Guys, it's ok." Santana says "I'll be fine really. You guys got to the field and I'll meet you there."

"Ok," Quinn says as she grabs Brittany by the arm "If you dare say anything to upset her you'll regret it." I can't form any words out of fear, so I just nod before they leave to the field and leave San and I alone.

"What do you want, Rachel?" She asks as she crosses her arms

"I just needed to talk to you."

"So talk."

"Do you hate me?" I whisper as I lower my head

"Don't you dare do this to me, Rachel!" Santana shouts as she trys to walk away and I grab her arm "Let go of me!"

"No!" I shout as I pull her towards me "I need to know!"

"Why do you need to know!" Santana yells before she pulls away from me

"I just do." I whisper and lower my head

"Fine! Do you want to know if I hate you? You broke my fucking heart, Rachel! You cheated on me when we were together! You told me you were in love with Puck, but you were still in love with me too! I agree to be in this stupid relationship with you where I have to share the person I loved with someone else! I decide I've had enough, so I break it off and try to move on, but you wouldn't let me! You constantly call and text and ask me if I still love you! Now you're asking me if I hate you! Well you know what, I don't!" I look up to to face Santana with tears in my eyes, and a confused look on my face. Did she really say that she doesn't hate me? "I know It's hard to believe ha? You've put me through more pain than anyone else in my life. It's so painful to just stand here and talk to you. But, I still can't bring myself to hate you. In fact," Santana starts before she kisses me. I start to kiss back at first, but then I pull away

"I can't do this, San."

"Why not?" She asks as she tries to kiss me again, but I stop her

"Because, this would be considered cheating."

"So this is about Puck?" I nod "Are you fucking kidding me?"

"I'm sorry, San. But, I can't do this to him."

"Oh really? It's what you did to me!" I was about to argue with her, but she's right so I just lower my head "You know I'm right ha? were you even thinking about me when you were about to be fucked by that idiot!"

"Don't call him that!"

"He is an idiot Rachel! He's got you, but he still runs around with some whore named stacy!" Santana shouts

"He's not cheating on me!" I yell as I push Santana and she falls to the ground "Oh God, Santana I'm so sor-"

"Don't!" She yells as she gets up off the ground "I'm so sick of hearing you say you're sorry! That's all I've heard from you ever since you started dating Puck! I'm Sorrry, Santana I have a date with Noah. I'm Sorry, Santana Noah surprised me and I couldn't say no. I'm sorry Santana, but Noah asked me first. That's all I ever heard and I'm sick of it!" When Santana is finished yelling she tries to storm off, but I grab her again

"San, please."

"You're an idiot too, Rachel." Santana says "You and I had a good thing going until you screwed it up. But you know what, you made your choice. You want to be with that cheating bastard when I was nothing but faithful to you then fine." She says as she pulls away frome me and runs to the field in tears. That didn't go very well. What did I expect though? That she would just forgive me and we could be friends. I'm such an idiot! I can feel tears coming from my eyes when the bell rings and I make my way towards my locker. When I get to my locker I hear someone walk up behind me.

"I told you not to upset her." I hear Quinn say from behind me, so I turn anound to face her "What the hell is wrong with you, Berry! Why can't you just leave her the fuck alone!"

"I just had to talk to her." I say calmly

"Why? Haven't you caused her enough pain?" Quinn shouts

"I never meant to hurt her!" I shout

"Well, that's what you've been doing!"

"Hey!" Someone shouts and Quind and I turn our heads to see Noah running towards us "Why are you yelling at my girl?" He asks as he throws his arm around my shoulder

"Noah, please." I beg

"Oh so, now she's your girl? Did you tell that to stacy before she shoved her tongue down your throat!" Quinn shouts

"What?"

"That's right, Puck. I saw you guys under the bleachers. I'll leave you two to talk." Quinn says with a smirk before she walks off

"Rachel, I'm so sorry." Noah says

"Wait." I say as I pull away from him "It's true?"

"Yes." Noah whispers

"You were cheating on me?" Noah nods "For how long?"

"A couple weeks. Ever since we stopped having sex." I can't believe what I'm hearing. Mercedes and Santana were telling the truth. I really am an idiot.

"You can't be serious!" I shout

"Rach, I never meant to hurt you." Noah says and those words cut through me like a knife. That's exactly what I said to Santana. That's all I've been saying ever since she found out about Noah and I

"That's what I said to Santana." I say as I start crying. "We were in love and I betrayed her and all I could say was I never meant to hurt her. This has to be karma or something. I had this coming ever since I hurt her."

"Rachel, don't say that." Noah says as he trys to hug me, but I step away

"Don't touch me, Noah! You and I are done! I don't want to see you anymore!" I shout as I run to the bathroom in tears

Once I get into the bathroom I see Santana in there and she's still crying. What have I done? I broke the heart of the only person who truly loved me. What have I done to her? To us? we were so happy and I fucked it up!

"Rachel, I thought I made it clear that I didn't want to see you." Santana says as she wipes tears from her eyes

"I know. I didn't even know you were in here." I say as I start to cry harder at the sight of her in so much pain

"What wrong, Rachel?" I can feel myself feeling more guilty when I realized she's actually consirned about me

"You were right about, Noah."

"He told you?" I nod "I'm sorry, Rachel." San says as she wraps her arms around me

"How can you not hate me?" I ask as she holds me tighter "I want to kill Noah right now."

"I don't know, Rach. I tried. Trust me I tried to hate you. But, I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried, I could not bring myself to hate you." Santana says

"I know you're tired of hearing this," I say as I place my hands on her cheeks "But, I'm so sorry. If you felt the way I do now, then I am truly sorry, Santana."

"Felt? Rachel, I still feel it. I know it hurts, but we'll be ok." Santana says before I kiss her. I heat up the kiss by licking her bottom lip and she quickly allows me entrance. I kiss her with all my might. This kiss is to prove to her that I'm sorry and I still love her. The kiss continues for a few seconds before Santana places her hands on my shoulders and pushes me away

"I can't do this, Rachel."

"Santana, please. I love you. I never stopped loving you. I need you, San." I beg

"Really?" Santana asks "Because, it didn't feel like you needed me earlier. When I kissed you, but you pulled away from me."

"Santana, I know what I did was stupid. I really am sorry. I miss you and I want to go back to the way we were.'

"We will never go back to the way we were, Rachel!" Santana shouts as she grabs her purse that was sitting on the sink "You ruined what we had before, remember?"

"Santana, I love you. I need you now more than ever." I say as I start to cry again

"Of course you need me now! Now that you know Puck was cheating on you! You can't come running back to me because you and Puck are over! Don't you see I don't want just half of your love! I deserve more than that!" Santana shouts as she storms out of the bathroom

* * *

><p><strong>The song that santana sang was- Cry by Rihanna<strong>

**So, what should happen next? Should Santana forgive Rachel or make Rachel fight for her? I won't know what you want unless you review! **


	6. Chapter 6

I run out of the bathroom crying harder than I was before. I can't believe her! Just this morning she rejected me, and now she comes crawling back to me! That is not ok with me! I showed her nothing but love when we were together, but she threw it all away! I'm just going to go to my car. I can't do this. I can't handle being around her anymore. I'm going home. I don't care what anyone has to say. I can't even stand being in the same building as her. I get to my car and before I open the door, I hear Quinn and Brittany calling me. So, I turn around and see them running towards me.

"Where the hell do you think you're going, San?" Britt asks

"I'm going home." I say "I can't stand being here with Rachel."

"What the hell did she do now?" Quinn asks

"Puck told her about his cheating and she came running back to me." I explain

"By that you mean?" Brittany asks

"She told me she still loved me and wants to get back together."

"What?" Quinn shouts "The nerve of that little bitch! How dare she come back to you like nothing happened! Like she didn't cheat on you! Like she didn't break your heart! Like you didn't spend weeks just crying in your bed!"

"Ok Q, I get it." I say as I feel even more tears

"I'm sorry, Santana." Quinn says as she hugs me

"I know you're just being a good friend, Q." I say as we break the hug

"San, you know you'll get in trouble if you miss anymore school." Briit says as she wraps her arms around me "I know it'll be hard, but we'll be here for you. Right, Quinn?"

"Of course we will."

"You guys don't understand." I say as Britt releases her grip on me "It took every bit of strength in me not to take her back."

"You were going to take her back?" Quinn asks

"Yes." I say as I start to feel even more tears "All I wanted was to hold her and tell her I love her. But, I couldn't do it. I couldn't be her second choice. She said she wanted things to go back to the way we were. How can we ever be as happy like we were before? Before she cheated on me. Before I suggested Puck and I share her."

"Wait!" Quinn shouts "You were the one who suggested that she date you and Puck?"

"Yes." I sigh

"Why?" Brittany asks

"I was a coward. I thought I was losing her to Puck, and I couldn't let that happen. I loved her. I still love her."

"San, do you really see Rachel as your forever?" Quinn asks

"I did once. I saw her as my everything. I saw the rest of my life with her." I answer honestly

"Do you still see her that way?" Britt asks

"I don't know. I still want all those things we planned together, but I don't know how we can move past this and just be happy again. I can't even stand being around her."

"San, this is going to be hard." Quinn says "But, you can't just runaway from this. You know you can't miss any school."

"I know." I sigh "But, what am I suppose to do?"

"Well," Quinn says as she takes my left hand and Britt takes my right "You try to be as strong as you can, but know you're not alone. Britt and I are her for you."

"Ok." I say as the three of us walk towards the school "Thanks, Guys."

Quinn and Britt really have been here for me. The only time they left my side was if we didn't share a class together. But, as soon as the bell rang, they were right there waiting for me. If it wasn't for them I would be at home crying. Well, I'm not crying Anymore! I've decided that I've finally had enough! I know it'll be hard to be around Rachel, but I think Quinn was right. I can't keep runnig away from this. I'm tired of running. I'm going to face this head on, so I can get on with the rest of my life. Right now Quinn, Britt and I are headed to the field for cheerios practice. At lest practice will keep me distracted.

"I'm telling you man she really knows what she's doing." I hear a voice come from under the bleachers

"What was that?" I ask the girls and they shrug "I'm going to find out."

"Why?" Quinn asks

"Curiosity." I say as I walk towards the bleachers and see Puck and other idiot jocks laughing

"Wait." One of the jocks says as he places a hand on Puck's shoulder "How long were you together before she put out?"

"We weren't even official yet." Puck says

I'm trying my best to remain calm for two reasons. One - I can't get into anymore fights cause I'll get expelled. Two - He might be talking about stacy or some other skank.

"Player!" Another idiot jock shouts as they bump fists

"So, does Berry know how to use her mouth for things other than singing?" The same jock asks

What did he just say? That fucker is talking about Rachel! Try to stay calm. Try to stay calm. I can't afford anymore trouble. I shouldn't even be listening to this right now, but I can't stop now.

"Let's just say I'm really going to miss her mouth." Puck says as he grabs his crotch through his jeans andThat's it. I lose it. I snap. I run under the bleachers and tackle Puck to the ground and punch him in the face.

"You sick son of a bitch!" I yell as I continue to punch him "You fucking pig! You never deserved her!"

"Get this bitch off me!" Puck shouts as one of the jocks pull me off of him

"Let go of me!" I shout as I start kicking

"San!" I hear Quinn and Britt yell as they run towards the jock and I

"Fuck!" Puck yells as he gets off the floor "For someone who claims she doesn't love Rachel, you have a funny way of showing it."

"This isn't about me loving Rachel!" I shout as I start kicking more "It's about you talking about her like she's some slut!"

"You have no idea the kinds of things we did when we were alone, do you?" Puck asked with a smirk "All it took was a few 'I love yous' and she would practically rip her panties off."

"Fuck you!" I shout as I kick the jock who was holding me in the nuts and he falls to the ground letting me go "You don't ever talk about her like that again!"

"San!" Quinn and Britt shout as they grab be from behind before I can hit Puck again

"Enough!" Everyone stops what they're doing and turns to see Coach Sylvester "Quinn! Brittany! You two get to the field now!"

"But, Coach-"

"NOW!" Coach yells before Q and B nod and run to the field "Puckerman, Sandbags, you two stay here. The rest of you idiots get out of here!" Everyone nods before they all run in different directions

"Coach, please don't tell Figgins about this." I beg, because I can not get in anymore trouble

"Santana, I'm willing to forget I saw this today, because I know for a fact you will be expelled if you get caught fighting again. I can't afford to lose my head cheerleader right before competition." Coach says

"What?" Puck shouts "You have to do something!"

"I don't think you'll want that, Puckerman." Coach says

"Why is that?"

"Because, you were part of this too. If Figgins figures that out you'll get send back to Juvi." Coach explains "So, I find it best if you just keep quiet about this. Understand?" Puck nods "Good. Now, get out of here." Puck doesn't even give it a secong thought before he takes off

"Now you get on the field."

"Yes, Coach." I say before I run towards the field

As I run towards the field I notice someone crying on the bleachers

"Rachel?"

"Hey." She says through her tears

"Did you hear any of that?" I ask as I sit next to her

"All of it, actually." She says as she rests her head on my shoulder "I don't deserve a second chance with you. I never deserved you."

"I'm really sorry you heard that, Rachel."

"Why do you keep standing up for me?" She asks

"Well," I say as I move her head off her shoulder and stand up "I don't know why, Rachel."

"You don't?"

"No, I don't." I laugh bitterly "I mean you heard everything he said. Right?"

"Yes." Rachel says

"So, you realize what a dick he is. Right?"

"Yes." She answers as she cries harder. Apart of me wants to take her in my arms and tell her I forgive her and we can be happy again. But, there's another part of me who's still too hurt to forgive her.

"And you're telling me you couldn't choose between us?" I say before I go to the field without giving her a chance to answer

After cheerios practice I went straight home. I didn't feel like talking to anyone, so I told Quinn and Britt I would be fine today. I just need time to think. I need to find out what I'm going to do about Rachel without Q telling me not to take her back. I know how stupid it sounds, but I miss her so much. Right now I'm looking through pictures of Rachel and I when we were together. The one I'm looking at is the one where we're at one of her ballet recitals.

**FLASHBACK**

"Rach, you'll do great." I say trying to calm my girlfriend down "You've done this before. Why are you so nervous now?"

"My dads are here, Santana." She says as she starts pacing back and forth "They never come to my perfomances and I don't want to screw up."

"You'll do great, Rachel." I say as I wrap my arms around her "You always do."

"I just don't want to screw up."

"You won't." I say before I kiss her

"What's up?" Rachel and I pull apart when Puck shows up

"Rach is nervous." I explain irritated

"You'll do great, Rachel." Puck says as he wraps his arms around Rachel "You always do." Fucking Puckerman! Can't he come up with his own way to comfort her! It's bad enough I have to share my girlfriend, but I don't want to see them together

"Thank you, Noah." Rachel says before she kisses him. You got to be fucking kidding me! "I got to get out there."

"Good luck, Baby!" Puck shouts as she runs onto the stage

**END OF FLASHBACK**

I pick up another picture of us from our six month anniversery date at Breadstix

**FLASHBACK**

"I love you so much, Rachel." I say as I reach across the table and take her hand "No one has ever made me as happy as you do."

"Oh, San." Rachel says as she squeezes my hand "You and Noah do the same for me." I pull my hand away when she says that. I feel like someone just punched me in the stomach. This is OUR anniversery. It's suppose to be about us. But, here she is talking about him! "What's wrong?"

"Can you and I get through one date without you mentioning him!" I shout as I jump up from where I was sitting and storm out of the restaurant

"San!" I hear Rachel yell from behind me and I turn around to face her

"What?" I shout

"I don't see why you're getting so angry."

"Really?" I ask bitterly "You bring him up on our anniversery, but you don't understand why I'm getting angry!"

"I don't understand! Noah never complains when I talk about you!" Rachel shouts

"That's because the idiot just nods his head until you get out of your panties!" I shout then cover my mouth with my hand

"That's all you think I do with him, Santana? What the hell do you think? That I'm just some slut!"

"I never said that! You're the one who had to bring him up!"

"I was just saying how much I love you both!" Rachel shouts

"This is OUR anniversery, damn it!" I shout as I start shaking in rage "As in you and I! It has absolutely nothing to do with him!"

"Fine! Just forget I said anything!"

"The damage is done, Rachel! Happy fucking anniversery!" I shout as I storm off

**END OF FLASHBACK**

I put down that picture and pick up the one where Rachel met my family for the first time

**FLASHBACK**

"San, talks about you all the time." My mother says as she hugs my girlfriend "It's nice to finally meet you, Rachel"

"It's very nice to meet you too, Mrs Lopez." Rachel says as they break the hug and she looks at her phone

"Please call me Gloria." My mother says and Rachel looks away from her phone

"Ok, Gloria." Rachel says with a smile before she looks at her phone again

"I'm going to check on dinner." My mother says before she goes to the kitchen

"Rach," I say as I wrap my arms around her "Why do you keep looking at your phone?"

"It's nothing." She says before she kisses me

"Ok I was just-" I was cut off by Rachel's phone going off

"Hol on, San." Rachel says as she looks at her phone to see who's texting her. I notice a smirk on her face that is all too familiar

"What the hell are you doing?" I ask as I grab the phone out of her hand and look at the screen "You're sexting with Puck?"

"Shhh, Santana." Rachel says as she grabs the phone away from me "Do you want your family to hear that?"

"Well, why the hell are you doing it now?" I ask with anger in my voice

"I didn't mean for it to last this long." Rachel whispers

"What are you talking about?" I ask "How long have you been sexting him?"

"Since we were at my house."

"Great!" I shout "How can you do that when you're with me!"

"Do what?" My mom asks as she comes out of the kitchen

"Nothing." Rachel answers quickly

"Tell her, Rachel!" I shout "Tell her what you were doing!"

"You're obviously upset right now." Rachel says "So, I'm going to leave so you can cool off."

"What?" My mother asks disappointed

"Fine!" I shout ignoring my mother before I run to my room and slam the door

**END OF FLASHBACK**

I keep going through pictures and all of them have pretty much the same outcome. Every single one of them have something to do with Puck! All of them! Rachel and I never had a real relationship! I had to share her with that jackass! Now she's telling me she wants me back! Fuck it! I can't be with her! I've been through too much shit to take her back! After going through all these pictures, I gather them up and throw them in the trash. I've made a decision. Rachel and I are never getting back together.

It's friday today and I've never been so happy for a week to be over. Right now we're sitting in glee club and Mr schue asked if anyone has a song they would like to perform.

"I have something Mr Schue." Rachel says as she stands in front of everyone

"Alright the floor is yours, Rachel." Mr Schue says as he steps aside

_I'm not a perfect person _

_There's many things I wish I didn't do _

_But I continue learning _

_I never meant to do those things to you _

_And so I have to say before I go _

_That I just want you to know_

**Rachel is looking right at me while she sings**

_I've found a reason for me _

_To change who I used to be _

_A reason to start over new _

_and the reason is you_

**Rachel smiles while she starts to walk towards me**

_I'm sorry that I hurt you _

_It's something I must live with everyday _

_And all the pain I put you through _

_I wish that I could take it all away _

_And be the one who catches all your tears _

_Thats why i need you to hear_

**I know what Rachel is trying to say with this song, but I can't let it get to me. I can't think of taking her back.**

_I've found a reason for me _

_To change who I used to be _

_A reason to start over new _

_and the reason is You_

_and the reason is You _

_and the reason is You _

_and the reason is You_

**As Rachel sang that last part she puts her hands in mine.**

_I'm not a perfect person _

_I never meant to do those things to you _

_And so I have to say before I go _

_That I just want you to know_

I've found a reason for me To change who I used to be A reason to start over new and the reason is you'

**I'm trying so hard to keep a blank expression on my face. I can't let her think all she has to do is sing a song and we're back together. That's not how it works.**

_I've found a reason to show _

_A side of me you didn't know _

_A reason for all that I do _

_And the reason is you_

"That was great, Rachel." Mr Schue says clapping

"It was great." I say as I pull my hands away from hers "But, it doesn't change a thing."

"San, please." Rachel begs

"No!" I shout as I stand up out of my seat "You think you can just sing a song and we're all good! You caused me too much pain, Rachel!" When I'm done shouting I storm towards the door

"I'm not giving up, Santana!" Rachel shouts "I will fight until theres not a breath in me just to call you mine again!" I take a deep breath before I turn around to face her

"Then you're wasting your time." I say before I storm out of the choir room


	7. Chapter 7

**I am sorry this chapter took me so long. I re-wrote it like five times, because I could never get it right. Anyway here it is and I hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

><p>When Rachel said she'd be fighting for me she wasn't kidding. I am constantly getting apology letters and little gifts and she even had God squad (Except for Quinn) sing me a song. Basically she's doing all the little romantic things that everyone thinks I hate, but only Rachel knows I truly love them. I just don't know what to do. My head keeps saying 'You idiot she's hurt you enough! Just move on already!' But, my heart keeps saying 'She loves you and misses you. Give her another chance.' I am so confused right now. I mean I want to be with Rachel. I really do love her. But, I don't know if I can trust her. I know Rachel. I know she would never had sex with Puck unless she was in love with him. If she was in love with him then she must still have feelings for him. It's been two months since Rachel and I broke up and I know I still love her. How do I know that after I take her back, she won't just forgive Puck and run back to him. I'm not going to lie and say I haven't almost took her back. Because truth be told after each attempt I almost took her back every single time. I would act like I don't want her back. I would actually have to remind myself of what she did to me, just to stop myself from taking her in my arms. It's getting harder though. All it takes is that heart breaking look on Rachel's face and I'm almost gone. I have to say that I'm so greatful for my friends. Quinn and Britt have really been there for me. Sometimes I even go to Mercedes when I need someone. Right now I'm eating lunch with Quinn and Brittany in the choir room. I haven't eaten in the cafeteria since Rachel sang a song to me in front of the whole school. It was romantic sure, but then I rejected her and everyone saw. That was the last time I talked to Rachel. I've been avoiding her, because I know how badly I want to take her back. But, my heart is too hurt to allow someone back in. Especially the someone who caused it all of that pain in the first place. I know that Quinn and Britt are really getting tired of Rachel trying to win me back. I know they'll always be here for me, but they're getting really irritated with Rachel. I'm really trying to get over her. I keep telling myself that we are not getting back together. But, my heart can't accept that. How can my heart crave something and want to push it away at the same time?<p>

"You're doing it again." Britt says snapping me out of my thoughts

"Doing what?" I ask

"Thinking of her." Quinn answers

"I don't do it on purpose." I say "I can't help it. She's always on my mind, even when I don't want her there."

"Santana," Quinn sighs before she places her hand on my shoulder "You need to forget about her. If you want to move on then move on already."

"I'm not so sure if I want to move on."

"Fuck this!" Brittany shouts, which causes me to jump "You need to decide Santana. Either get back together with her or move on!"

"I'm trying! I just don't know what I want anymore!" I shout shaking a little

"Yes you do." Brittany says calmly "You want Rachel." I know how painfully obvious I've been about my feelings for Rachel. Everyone knows how much I love Rachel. Everyone also knows that Rachel cheated on me with Puck.

"I don't know about that." I sigh "I mean it's obvious that I love her. But, this whole school knows why we broke up. They're all going to think I'm an idiot for taking her back."

"Since when do you care what people think about you?" I hear a familiar voice from the doorway

"Tanya!" I yell before I run and give her a hug "What are you doing here?"

"My dad just got transfered back to Lima." She explains

"San!" Quinn yells "Aren't you going to introduce us?"

"Right. Come sit with us, Tanya." She nods before her and I sit with Q and B "Guys this is Tanya, and Tanya this is Quinn and Brittany."

"Hi." Quinn and Britt say at the same time

"How do you know Tanya?" Britt asks

"Our father use to work in the same hospital until her family moved." I explain

"San here was my bestie when we were thirteen." Tanya says

"Don't get all soft on me." I say before I shove her playfully

"Don't try acting all tough with me." She says before she shoves me back. We continue to shove each other until Quinn clears het throat

"Britt and I are going to head out and give you two some time to catch up." She says with a smirk before she takes Britt by the hand and the two of them walk out

"So, I did ask you a question." Tanya says

"What?"

"Since when do you care what people think about you?" Oh shit! I forgot she heard us talking

"How much of that did you hear?"

"I heard from 'The whole school knows why we boroke up.' But, I didn't here anything before that." Tanya explained

"It's a long story." I say

"We have time."

"Lunch is almost over." I point out

"So?" Oh I forgot. Tanya doesn't give a damn about school

"Fine." I take a deep breath before I tell Tanya everything that happened between Rachel and I. When I'm done talking Tanya just sits there. I wait a few more minutes before she finally says something

"That bitch!" I glare at her "I'm not saying I'm sorry. If everything you just told me is true, then she is a bitch! Look at all the pain she's caused you."

"I'm not going to fight with you." I sigh "I'm tired of fighting because of her."

"You really do love her don't you?" Tanya ask while she wrapped her arm around me

"Yes.'' I answer weakly as I feel tears fall from my eyes "I don't know what to do."

"You have to talk to her." Tanya says in a stern voice

"Why? I'm trying so hard to stay away from her."

"Well, if you want to get back together with her then you need to tell her. You have to explain to her that she hurt you and giving her your heart will be hard. But, if you don't want to get back together with her you still need to talk to her. You'll never move on if you don't get closure. You need to let her know that she hurt you too much and you can't forget that." While Tanya explains this to me I can feel her hold me tighter

"You're right." I admit

"Have I ever been wrong?"

"Yes!" I shout as I pull away from her "I'm sure the bees are sleeping. Just throw the rock, Santana." I say doing my best Tanya impersonation (Which isn't that good but she got the point)

"I didn't know you were allergic!" She shout defensively

"I almost died because of you!" I shout back and she mummbles something under her breath "What was that?"

"I said I'm sorry." Just to let you guys know Tanya never says she's sorry about anything. This is a big deal to me.

"That would of been nice to hear when I was in the hospital."

"What?" Tanya asks confused "I said it when you were in the hospital."

"No. When I was in the hospital you asked me if I knew I was allergic to bees." I explain "When I said no you shrugged and said 'Well, now you know.' There was no aplology in there."

"Oh yeah." Tanya says as she starts laughing at the memory "We were horrible kids!"

"No. Just little badasses." I start laughing with her "Things were easier then."

"How? You and I were in the hospital all the time. Our fathers called us regualars."

"Yeah." I smile at the memory "But, none of those injuries hurt as much as losing the person you love."

"Who are you?" Tanya asks consirned "What have you done with Santana Lopez?"

"I don't know. But, I'll let you know when I find her."

"That's it!" Tanya shouts "Get your ass up. We're going to have fun."

"It's the middle of the school day."

"So?" Oh right, I'm talking to Tanya

"Alright." I sigh as she grabs me by the hand and we run out of the school

* * *

><p>Tanya has been dragging me all over the mall since we left school. I have to admit that I'm having fun. Right now we're in the arcade playing dance dance revolution and I'm actually winning.<p>

"Come on, Tanya. I'm kicking your ass." I say teasing her

"Shut up, Lopez! I'm trying damn it!" Tanya never could really dance. She's almost as bad as Finn. That's why I suggested we play this game, because the last time I actually won was playing against Tanya. Probably because the only other people I've played this game with were Quinn, Britt and Rachel. I never had a chance playing with Rachel. She was so sweet when we played though. She would lose on purpose and tell me I was getting better. I never told her that I knew she let me win. Damn it! You're not suppose to be thinking about her! Watch the game! pay attention to the game! When did I start losing?

"Shit!" I shout when I realize the song almost over

"What happened?" Tanya asks consirned and not rubbing in the fact that I'm losing

"Damn it!" I shout because the song ends and I just lost. I just lost a dancing game to Tanya!

"You were thinking about her. Weren't you?" Tanya asks

"Yes."

"San, you were doing so good." She says sounding disappointed "We were having fun."

"I know." I whisper feeling a little disappointed in myself

"Come here." Tanya says as she grabs and pulls me in for a hug "We're suppose to be having fun."

"I know."

"Come on." She says before she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the arcade

"Where are we going?"

"As much as I don't recognize you right now, I know you are in fact Santana Lopez."

"And?"

"We're going to Breadstix." I swear with the excitment on my face you would of thought she told a child they're going to disney world

* * *

><p>Tanya and I get to Breadstix and the staff is staring at us. The workers here all know who I am. They're probably shocked that I'm here without Rachel. I know they all know that Rachel and I broke up, but they don't know why.<p>

"Hey, San!" One of the waiters John says when he notices me "Come sit in my section!"

"Come on." Tanya says as she grabs my hand and drags me to the table

"Hey." John says as he hugs me "We missed you aroubd here."

"Really?" I ask as we pull apart "You missed me yelling at you Johnny boy?"

"Yes. No one has ever yelled at me about how theres a difference between frozen breadsticks and fresh ones." He says laughing

"Well, now you know." Tanya says shrugging and the two of us start laughing

"I feel like I'm missing something." John says

"It's nothing." I say before Tanya and I sit down in our booth

"What can I get for you ladies?"

"I'll have the usual."

"Of course." John say rolling his eyes "I don't even know why I ask."

"I don't know either." I say "Just wasting my time."

"Whatever. What can I get for you." He asks Tanya

"Whatever San is having is fine." She says

"Alright. Your order will be out shortly." John says before heading to the kitchen

"It better!" I shout half joking

"Looks like the staff here still fears you." Tanya says laughing

"They have since I was twelve." I say proudly

"I take it you haven't been here in awhile." Tanya says "Since he said they miss you around here."

"Yeah. The last time I was here I was with Rachel. We fought and I stormed out and I haven't been back since."

"You let her take Breadstix from you?" Tanya asks and I nod "She really messed you up."

"We're not suppose to be talking about her. Remember?" I say sadly

"Sorry. I know what we could do!" Tanya shout excitedly

"What?"

"Lets play backround!" I smile when she suggests that. I haven't played backround in years! It's a game that Tanya and I made up where we point out people we see and give them a fake backround

"Ok! I go first!" I shout before I start looking around for a person to backround. I spot a man with a comb over and wearing suspenders "Him." I point him out to Tanya "He looks like an obvious nerd, but in high school he was the biggest stud."

"Really?"

"Hey this is my fake backround." I argue "So, shut up and listen. Anyway, he had girls all over him until after school. He started losing his hair and dressing like Artie.''

"Artie?"

"Glee kid." I explain and she nods "Now he lives with his mom. I mean in her basement, watching porn and trying to remember what sex feels like." When I'm done with my backround Tanya and I burst out laughing

"You're awful!" She shouts

"Now you know." I say with a shrug

"I've always known." Tanya points out

"Whatever. It's your turn, Bitch."

"Ok." She says as she looks around the room "Her." She says pointing at a woman in a business suit sitting with her son "She use to be the biggest party girl. She would stay out all night and hook up with random guys and not care who knew. But, now she's a working stiff going from one business meeting to another. She probably hasn't gotten laid since junior over there was conceived."

"You're just as bad as me!" I shout before we start laughing

"I never said I wasn't."

"Heres your order guys." John says and I'm not even sure how long he's been standing there

"Thanks, Johnny boy." I say with a smile

"So, is this your new girl?" He ask

"What? We're just-"

"Crazy about each other." Tanya says cutting me off before she wraps her arm around me

"What?" I ask

"Don't be so embaressed Sannie Bear." She say teasingly

"Yeah, Sannie Bear." John says laughing "Well, she's definitely hotter than the last."

"Thank you. Sannie thinks so too." Tanya says before kissing my cheek

"She's funnier too." John says before he walks off

"What was that?" I ask Tanya as I move her arm

"Don't be upset with me, Sannie."

"Shut up." I say before I throw a breadstick at her

* * *

><p>Tanya and I spend the rest of the night playing backround and just laughing. She really did help me get my mind off Rachel. This is the most fun I've had in awhile. Right now Tanya is driving me home because I left my car at school and decided to just get it tomorrow. I guess I'm being too quiet right now because Tanya decides to turn on her Ipod. I can't believe the song thats playing and Tanya starts singing along right away.<p>

_Fuck what I said it don't mean shit now _

_Fuck the presents might as well throw em out_

_Fuck all those kisses they didn't mean jack _

_Fuck you, you hoe, I don't want you back_

_Oh oh Uh huh yeah _

_Oh oh Uh huh yeah Oh oh Uh huh yeah _

_Oh oh Uh huh yeah_

This is where I decide to start sining with her

_You questioned, did I care _

_You could ask anyone, I even said You were my great one _

_Now it's, over, but I do admit I'm hurts real bad, _

_I can't sweat that, cause I loved a hoe_

It actually feels good siniging this song. I feel great actually.

_Fuck what I said it don't mean shit now _

_Fuck the presents might as well throw 'em out _

_Fuck all those kisses they didn't mean jack _

_Fuck you, you hoe, I don't want you back_

Tanya and I kind of scream the last part rather than sing it

"Feel better?" Tanya asks

"Bitch, you totally had that song there on purpose." I say as we drive up to my house "Well, I do feel better."

"I'm glad." She says smiling at me and I smile back. I don't know what made me do it. I don't know what I was thinking. But, I lean forward and kissed her. Tanya is frozen with shock, but what happened next I didn't expect. She was kissing me back. The kiss continues until I decide to pull away.

"Um I should go." I say before I jump out of the car and run through my front door and towards my room. What the hell just happened?

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><p><strong>I hope you enjoyed this chapter! The game backround is something I actually play with my sister lol. For those of you who want to see Rachel fight for Santana I promise that she will be in the next chapter. Thank you for reading and please review!<strong>


	8. Chapter 8

Right now I'm lying on my bed thinking about Tanya. I haven't talked to her since we kissed. I really don't know what came over me. One second we were singing and laughing, the next I kissed her. All I know is that was the most fun I've had ever since Rachel and I broke up. Tanya is a great friend and she knew exactly how to cheer me up. It's not like Quinn and Britt haven't been helping, but something was different with Tanya. I was laughing and actually wasn't pretending to be happy. Tanya helped me take a few very needed steps to move on, but what about now? I mean, did I freak her out? Does she even want to see me now? It makes me sad to think that she might not want to hang around me. For some reason I feel like I need her to help me move on. While these thoughts go through my head, I hear my phone go off. I pick it up and see a text from Tanya.

**From Tanya: Stop over thinking about what happened. It was just a kiss**

How does she know what I'm thinking? She use to do that all the time when we were little. She always knew what was on my mind and it was annoying.

**To Tanya: Bitch you know I hate when you do that**

At least I know now that I didn't scare her off. I don't know why I was so determined to have her stick around. I mean she's a good friend, but it felt like more than that. I can't let her know that, because I'm lucky that she's not freaked out now.

**From Tanya: Do what?**

Yeah right, she knows exactly what I'm talking about.

**To Tanya: Your stupid mind reading thing!**

**From Tanya: You really shouldn't be freaking out**

I guess the kiss didn't mean anything to her. Why do I feel kind of sad about that? Maybe that kiss meant something to me. No! I can't think like that! That kiss didn't mean anything. I was just sad and Tanya was there to help me. That's it. I don't have feelings for her. I can't have feelings for her. I'm suppose to move on and that's all. I've already had my heart broken and I can't handle that again. Besides,Tanya isn't even gay. But, then why was she kissing me back?

**From Tanya: I told you to stop over thinking it**

**To Tanya: I told you that I hate when you do that!**

**From Tanya: If you really want to talk about what happened we could meet somewhere to talk about it**

Do I want to talk about it? I guess we really should. I should just tell her that it shouldn't of happened and it didn't mean anything. That way she won't freak out and our friendship won't be ruined.

**To Tanya: Ok Meet me at the mall?**

**From Tanya: Ok I'll be at the food court in 20**

**To Tanya: Ok**

I have no idea why, but I actually feel nervous. I'm nervous to talk to Tanya. Probably just because I don't know how she feels about this situation. Does she expect us to change or stay the same? I guess I'll find out when I get there, so I grab my keys and leave to the mall.

I get to the mall and make my way to the food court right away. I figure all Tanya and I have to do is say that the kiss was nothing, then we can move on. There's just one small problem about that. I'm not 100% sure that the kiss was nothing. I'm not saying I'm in love with Tanya, (Thank God because that would suck) but being with her was the first time I've been really happy since my break up with Rachel. Tanya is the only one who can get my mind off of HER, and I wonder if that means something?

"Santana!" I turn around to see Quinn and Britt running towards me

"Hey guys." I say as they approach me

"You skipped the rest of school on thursday, Santana." Quinn says before she crosses her arms "And, you weren't there yesterday."

"You're lucky it's Saturday, Quinn." I say crossing my arms "Because, I probably wouldn't of been there today either."

"Did something bad happen with that girl?" Britt asks

"No." I answer quickly "I mean, I don't think so."

"What happened?" Quinn asks consirned

"I kissed her."

"What?" Quinn and Britt shout at the same time before they grab me and pull me into the nearest bathroom

"Tell us everything." Britt says excitedly

"We left school and went to the mall. We played in the arcade for awhile, before we went to Breadstix."

"Like a date?" Quinn asks

"No, it was just as friends. We ate and talked and had a lot of fun. It was the first time I wasn't spending all my time thinking about Rachel." I stop to take a breath. Rambling isn't easy, how does Rachel do it? Shit! I'm not suppose to think about her. What was I talking about? Oh Tanya! "She drove me home, because I left my car at school, and when we were parked outside my house I kissed her." When I'm done explaining what happened, Quinn and Britt are smirking and I know exactly what they're thinking

"That's great!" Britt shouts clapping and jumping up and down

"Does this mean your with Tanya now?" Quinn asks

"No."

"Why not?" Brittany asks looking upset

"I kissed her then ran. I haven't seen her since." I sound like such a coward "I'm here to meet her now."

"Why are you talking to us then?" Britt asks

"You guys pulled me in here."

"Go talk to her!" Quinn shouts

"What do I say?"

"Did you enjoy the kiss?" Britt asks

"Yes. It was the first time I was really happy, instead of pretending." I think I just realized that the kiss did mean something to me, but what about Tanya? Now I'm even more confused!

"Then go tell her that!" Quinn shouts

"What if I freak her out?"

"When are you suppose to meet her?" Britt asks

"Ummm like 10 minutes ago."

"Then go!" Quinn shouts, I just nod before I run out of the bathroom

RACHEL'S POV

"I'm so happy for San!" I hear Britt shout while I'm waiting in the bathroom stall for them to leave. This is certainly not what I expected when I decided to come to the mall today.

"Me too, Britt." Quinn says "Maybe she'll finally get over that bitch and be happy." I flinch when she uses the word 'bitch' before I hear them leave.

I walk out of the bathroom stall freaking out. Who's Tanya? Why is she kissing my Santana? That's the problem isn't it. She's not my Santana anymore. I know I screwed up, but I was so sure that I still had a chance to get her back. That we were going to be a happy couple once again. But, now she's kissing some girl named Tanya. If I'm going to get my girl back, then I'm really going to have step up my game. I need to call Blaine for a favor.

SANTANA'S POV

I get to the food court and spot Tanya sitting at one of the tables. I take a deep breath before I walk towards her. I am so nervous, because I am going into this situation unprepared. I don't know what I'm suppose to say or do. When I get to the table I just smile before I sit with her.

"Sorry I'm late, but my two crazy best friends tackled me when I got here."

"Since when do you care about being on time?" Tanya asks with a smirk "When we were thirteen and made a plan to sneak out of school, you left me in the bathroom waiting for you for like 45 minutes."

"You were early!" I shout defensively

"You were late!" She shouts back "You left me sitting in a stall for almost an hour!"

"Ok sorry." I raise my hands in defeat. Tanya and I start to laugh, but it takes no time at all before we fall into an uncomfortable silence "Tanya, I'm really sorry about that kiss." Tanya opens her mouth to say something, but I raise my hand to stop her "Let me say this, please." She nods "I have been so upset, and you are the only one who took my mind off of her. You made me really happy instead of me pretending to be happy. But, that kiss didn't mean anything." It's a total lie, but I can't scare her away "You and I have been friends a long time and I don't want that to stop.'' Tanya sighs before she lowers her head and runs fingers through her hair "What's wrong?"

"It just kind of sucks, when you kiss someone and feel something, but they didn't feel it too." Tanya laughs embarrassed. Wait! What did she just say? She felt something too?

"You felt something?" I ask confused

"Yes." She laughs "But, of course you didn't. Of course You don't feel anything for me. I'm so stupid!"

"No you're not."

"Yes I am!"

"Tanya, I lied!" I shout before she looks at me confused "I did feel something, but I lied because I didn't want to lose you as a friend."

"You idiot!" She shouts playfully before she gets out of her seat and sits on my lap "You would never lose me as a friend."

"Good, because I really need you now." I say before I give her a quick kiss "You're an amazing friend. I should of known you wouldn't freak out on me."

"Well, now you know." She shrugs before she kisses me. I place my hands on her cheeks and pull her closer to deepen the kiss, but we stop when we hear music starting. I shake my head in disappointment before I look up and see Rachel. I knew it would be her.

_"Lying in your arms So close together Didn't know just what I had Now I toss and turn Cause I'm without you"_

**Rachel is more determined to get me back than I thought she would be, but I made my decision a long time ago that I can't take her back.**

_"How I'm missing you so bad Where was my head Where was my heart Now I cry alone in the dark"_

**I look around when I hear a familiar voice. Sure enough I see Blaine coming from god knows where, now _singing with Rachel._**

_"I lay awake I drive myself crazy_

_Drive myself crazy Thinking of you Made a mistake When I let you go baby_

_I drive myself crazy Wanting you the way that I do I was such a fool I couldn't see it Just how good you were to me"_

**I look up to see that not only did Rachel just invite one gay boy in a blazer to help out, but she brought them all. They all form a wall around Blaine and Rachel as they continue to sing.**

_"You confessed your love Undying devotion I confessed my need to be free And now I'm left With all this pain_

_Lonely got myself to blame Why didn't I know it (How much I loved you baby) Why couldn't show it (If I had only told you) When I had the chance Oh I had the chance"_

**The entire mall is loving this performance. You can see it in their faces how much they're enjoying it, but when I look at Tanya I see jelousy. Isn't this great! Rachel is coming between Tanya and I before we even have a chance.**

_"Drive myself crazy Lying in your arms So close together Didn't know just what I had_

_Now I toss and turn Cause I'm without you How I'm missing you_

_Where was my head Where was my heart_

_Now I cry alone in the dark_

_I lay awake I drive myself crazy_

_Drive myself crazy Thinking of you Made a mistake When I let you go baby"_

**Rachel steps away from the boys and walks towards me, while Tanya is still in my lap. This is not good! Rachel grabs me by the hand and pulls me, throwing Tanya off of me. I look over to Tanya and mouth 'I'm sorry' before Rachel yanks me towards her.**

_"I drive myself crazy Wanting you the way that I do I was such a fool I couldn't see it Just how good you were to me_

_You confessed your love Undying devotion I confessed my need to be free_

_And now I'm left_

_With all this pain I only got myself to blame_

_Why didn't I know it (How much I loved you baby) Why couldn't I show it_

_(If I had only told you) When I had the chance Oh I had the chance"_

The song ends with Rachel pulling me in for a kiss. It doesn't last long though, because I push her off. I start looking around and I realize that Tanya is gone. Perfect! Of course Rachel had to ruin that too!

"I find one little bit of happiness in the last two months, and you had to find a way to ruin that too!" I shout pulling away from Rachel

"Santana, listen-"

"No, you listen!" I shout cutting her off "That girl you just chased away is the first person to make me happy since you broke my heart!"

"So, she's Tanya." Rachel whispers before I glare at her

"How do you know that?" Rachel bites her lip and turns her head away from me "How do you know that, Rachel!"

"I heard you talking about her in the bathroom with Quinn and Britt." Of course she did! Nothing in my life can be easy.

"So, you knew she was going to be here," I say with anger layered in my voice "And you just had to call Blaine and his buddies for another attempt to get me back."

"I'm sorry, Santana." Rachel whispers "It's just that, I love you so much that -"

"Stop." I say cutting her off "You need to stop saying you love me, because those words don't mean as much as they use to anymore."

"You don't mean that." Rachel says as she starts to cry

"Yes I do!" I shout not caring how many people are staring at us "All I've wanted since our broke up was the strength to move on! I find someone who does that for me and you just scare her away! You and I are over, Rachel! Think about that while I go find my girlfriend!" I run towards the mall entrance to look for Tanya. Wait a second! Did I just tell Rachel that Tanya was my girlfriend? Oh it doesn't even matter. All that matters is that I find Tanya.

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><p><strong>I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! If there's anything you guys want to see happen please just let me know. Love you guys and please review!<strong>


	9. Chapter 9

I run out of the main entrance of the mall to look for Tori. I start looking around the parking lot, but I can't find her car. What if Rachel scared her away? I was just starting to feel something with someone again, and now I don't know where she's at.

"Santana!" I turn around to see Quinn and Britt running towards me "Where's Tanya?" Britt asks when they catch up with me

"I don't really know." I say sounding disappointed "She took off after she witnessed Rachel's little stunt she pulled back there."

"If it's any consolation, Britt told off Rachel for you." Quinn says with a smile

"And Quinn told off Blaine for helping." Britt say excitedly "It was awesome!"

"You guys didn't have to do that." I smile before hugging my two best friends "But, thank you."

"Guys!" The three of us turn around to see Tanya coming towards us

"Where did you go?" I ask as she approaches us

"Do you think I wanted to stay around to watch that?" She asks "I ran out here and sat on a bench." I look at Tanya and notice her eyes are red and puffy as if she was crying

"Tanya, would you like to talk privately?" I ask and she nods "Guys?"

"Say no more." Quinn says before her and Britt head back inside. Once Tanya and I are alone, I grab her hand and we sit down on the closest bench we could find

"Have you been crying?" I ask

"What?" She asks "No! Of coarse not! Why would I be crying?"

"I don't know." I shrug "Why don't you tell me?"

"It's just." Tanya sighs running her fingers through her hair "I was worried."

"About what?"

"I thought." She sighs

"What?" She's really starting to freak me out "Babe?"

"Babe?" Tanya chuckles "Don't go soft on me, Lopez."

"I'm not." I pout "Just tell me what you were worried about."

"I thought you were getting back together with her." Tanya explains turning her head away from me

"Tanya, please look at me." I say before she turns her head to face me "I'm not getting back together with her."

"You sure?"

"I'm not going to lie and say I'm completely over her." I take a deep breath before I kelp going "I think there's a small part of me that will always love her, but she's hurt me too much to get back together with her. You make me happy, Tanya."

"Really?" She asks as if she doesn't believe me

"Yeah." I smile "You're the only one who makes me feel like I could really move on." Tanya smiles at me before leaning in and kissing me. A kiss that doesn't last long when we hear someone clearing their throat

"What?" I ask irritated

"Calm down, Satan." Mercedes chuckles

"What do you want, Mercedes?" I don't care if I sound rude, because I'm trying to get my mack on with a hot girl

"Just wanted to make sure you were Santana." She answers with a smirk "It feels like ages since I've seen you smile."

"Whatever." I roll my eyes "Can you go so I can make out with my super hot girlfriend?"

"Ok." Mercedes laughs "Please, don't hurt her." She asks directed towards Tanya

"I won't." She says with a reassuring smile

"Good." Mercedes says before finally leaving

"Now, where were we?" I ask before leaning in to kiss Tanya, but she stops me "What?"

"I'm your girlfriend ha?" She asks teasingly

"If you want to be." I say with a smile

"Are you asking?" That's exactly what Rachel said before I asked her to be my girlfriend. Shit! Don't think about her! Think abput Tanya! Your future girlfriend!

"Yes." I smile "Will you be my girlfriend?"

"How about you wait a day or two and if I don't have a better offer, then yes." Tanya says teasingly

"Shut up." I roll my eyes

"I'd love to be your girlfriend." She smiles before crashing our lips together

**RACHEL'S POV**

I'm starting to think I'm never going to get Santana back. I think I screwed up too badly for her to forgive me. What else can I possibly do to prove to her that I'm sorry? I just want things to go back to the way they were before I ever dated Noah. Dating him had to be the biggest mistake I ever made

"Rachel?" You've got to be freaking kidding me!

"Noah." I answer coldly "What are you doing here?"

"Just some shopping." He says "I miss you, Rachel."

"Don't." I don't feel like listening to him beg anymore. He lied and cheated on me and as far as I'm concerned he and I are done

"Rachel, please." He begs

"No, Noah!" I shout "Just leave!"

"I see how it goes." Noah says angry "When you cheat you expect Santana to just forgive you, but when I do it I'm the world's biggest jackass." I'm about to argue, but instead I lower my head. He's completely right. I'm no better than he is "You know I'm right ha?"

"Leave." Noah and I turn around to see Mercedes behind us "Now, Puckerman!"

"Fine." He rolls his eyes before walking away

"Are you alright?"

"I really fucked up, didn't I?" I ask before I start crying

"Hey." Mercedes whispers before hugging me "You made a mistake, Rachel."

"I'm such a bad person." I sob into her chest

"You're not a bad person, Rachel." Mercedes assures me in a stern voice "You made a mistake. You're only human."

"Santana will never take me back."

"I don't know what to tell you about that, Rach. She's really hurt with you right now." She whispers running her fingers through my hair

"I love her so much, Mercedes." I whisper

"Then you have to let her be happy." She says "Do you want to have a girls night? I'll text Kurt and tell him to meet us at your place."

"Ok." I whisper before she texts Kurt

"Did you bring your car here?" She asks as she puts her Phys ne in her pocket

"Yes."

"I parked outside by the main entrance. I'll go get my car and meet you back at your place." Mercedes says

"Ok." I nod before I head outside to get my car

When Mercedes and I drive up to my house, Kurt is already outside waiting for us. The three of us get out of our cars and walk into my house in complete silence. It's not an uncomfortable silence. I feel a reassurance that says these are my friends and that they're here for me. Even though I feel like I deserve it.

"Ok." Kurt says throwing himself on my bed "We have to talk about it this time, Rachel."

"I know." I sigh as I sit on my bed next to Kurt "I don't know where to begin."

"Start with what's bothering you the most." Mercedes says sitting with Kurt and I

"I want Santana back so badly." I whisper and feel tears form in my eyes "I love her so much, but I know that I don't deserve her. Then, Noah comes to me asking me to forgive him and I say no. How can expect Santana to forgive me, when I can't forgive him."

"Rachel, why did you cheat on Santana?" Kurt asks. I should of seeing this question coming. Santana and I were so in love and I ruined it. I should of known that someone would ask me why

"When Santana and I started dating, we kept our relationship a secret." I start explaining "She said she was afraid of what other people thought, so we just didn't tell anyone. She wouldn't call me names or slushy me in public anymore, but she wouldn't really pay attention at all. But, in private she seemed like the perfect girlfriend. She would send me sweet texts, and she would cuddle up with me without expecting anything else, and she would tell me she loved me everyday." I stop for a second to take a breath before I continue "But, I wanted more. I wanted someone to walk me to class or kiss me in public, or hold my hand in the hallway. She was too afraid to give that to me, but Noah wasn't. He would hold my hand and carry my books and kiss me and didn't care who saw us. He wasn't ashamed of me."

"Rachel," Kurt sighs before wrapping his arms around me "We both know that Santana wasn't ashamed of you. She was afraid of coming out. I know you understand that."

"I do understand, Kurt." I lean forward and cry into his chest "I just couldn't help but feel, that if I was a popular cheerio then she would want to go public with our relationship."

"You know that's not true." Mercedes says "She could of been dating any girl and she wouldn't have been ready to come out."

"Why did she come out anyway?" Kurt asks "I remember the day we found out about you dating both Puck and Santana and She wasn't happy at all. She was miserable."

"She thought if she came out of the closet, then I would break up with Noah and we would go back to the way we were, but I'd already fallen for Noah and I couldn't let him go." I explain "What do I do?"

"Rachel," Mercedes says placing her hand on my shoulder "All you can do is let her go. Let her go and let her be with someone who makes her happy."

"Do you think this girl really makes you happy?" I ask

"I saw them together at the mall." Mercedes says "They're happy, Rachel."

I just nod, because I couldn't form any words. What if Mercedes is right? What if Santana and I can never be happy again? What if I have to let her go so she can be happy? It would completely destroy me, but if that's what it takes for Santana to be happy then I have to do it. I have to let her go. I have to back off and let her be happy.

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><p><strong>Please don't hate me! lol I know some of you guys like Santanya and some want pezberry back. I promise you that pezberry is end-game in this fic. I just want Rachel to realize what Santana means to her before that happens. Anyway I love you guys and please review!<strong>


	10. Chapter 10

I walk into school this morning with Kurt and Mercedes by my side. After a lot of crying and thinking, I came to realize that Santana and I are really over. I just screwed up so badly and it hurts to even think about what I did to her. The only thing I can do now is let her move on. I've caused her too much pain and I can't be th source of that hurt anymore. Nothing would make me happier than to have Santana back in my arms, but spending the weekend with Kurt and Mercedes made me realize that was the problem. I keep thinking about what's going to make me happy. I haven't even thought about what would make Santana happy. Which is why I'm looking for her right now. I have to tell her that I'll back off and let her be happy. It's really the least I could do

"Rachel," Kurt says placing a hand on my shoulder "Santana is standing down the hall, but she has Quinn, Brittany, and Tanya with her. You might want to wait until she's alone."

"I don't know about that, Kurt." I say "The point of talking to her is to say goodbye and let her move on. I just want to get it over with as soon as possible."

"We've got your back,girl." Mercedes says "We'll be right here if you need us."

"Ok." I nod before I walk towards Santana

"Something we can help you with?" Quinn asks as I approach them

"I just really need to talk to Santana." I say as calm as I can,  
>because I really don't want to start a fight<p>

"About what?" Brittany asks

"Whoa guys." Tanya says placing her hands on the girls shoulders "I know that Santana appreciates you having her back, but if she doesn't want to talk to Rachel then she can speak for herself."

"Ok." Quinn and Brittany say in unison before they back off

"Rachel." Santana sighs "If this is you trying to get me back, then I should tell you that I'm with Tanya now."

"It's not that, San." I assure her "I just really need to talk to you, please."

"Ok." She nods "I'll catch up with you guys later." She tells the girls and they all just nod in response "Let's go talk."

"I think the choir room is empty." I say as we walk down the hall "We could probably talk in there without someone interrupting us."

"Alright."

San and I walk to the choir room in complete silence. I have all these thoughts going through my head that I'm not sure exactly what to say to her. I know what I want to say, but I'm not sure how to put it

"Rachel," When did we get to the choir room? "What is this about?"

"I...um..I." Say something you idiot! "I'm sorry."

"Rachel,"

"Just let me say this, please." Santana just nods before I continue "I'm so sorry for everything, Santana. I'm sorry I cheated on you when we were together. I'm sorry you ever had to go through a relationship where you didn't have me to yourself. I'm sorry I continued to call after our break up even though it was clear that you didn't want to see me. I'm sorry I tried to destroy your relationship with Tanya. But most of all, I'm sorry that I took your love for granted. I'm sorry that I really didn't appreciate you until you were gone. It's the biggest mistake I've ever made and I'll be forced to live with it for the rest of my life." I look at Santana and hope she'll say something. Anything. But, she's just standing there staring at me "Please, say something."

"I don't know what to say." Santana says before she turns her head away from me "You might not believe me, Rachel, but I already forgave you for everything."

"You did?" I ask clearly shocked and confused "How? How can you possibly forgive me after what I did to you?"

"Well, for a lot of reasons. For one I just couldn't walk around being pissed off at you for the rest of my life. That would be pretty sad and pathetic. I also had to forgive you, because I would of never had the ability to move on if I didn't, and I desperately needed to move on." Santana explains "Another reason I had to forgive you was because, I care about you. I was in love with you, Rachel. There's probably a small part of me that always will love you and I just couldn't stay mad at you. It actually hurt to love you so much, but want to slap you at the same time. So, I forgave you. It wasn't easy to forgive you. It took a lot of time and thinking, but I did come around eventually."

"You have no idea how much that means to me." I whisper when I feel a tear running down my cheek "I don't deserve your forgiveness."

"Maybe not." Santana says before she cups my face and wipes my tear away with her thumb "But, I'm giving it to you anyway."

"I have something else to tell you." I take a deep breath before I continue "I'm going to back off. No more songs in the lunch room or love notes in your locker. I'm going to stop and let you be happy with Tanya. I've put you through so much pain and you deserve to be happy."

"Are you serious?" I nod "That's very selfless of you, Rachel. I really appreciate it."

"Santana, all I want was for you to be happy. I don't make you happy anymore, so that's why I have to do this. I love you, Santana. I want you to be with someone who does make you happy." This was so much easier to say in my head, because saying it out loud makes it real. I'm really letting Santana go

"You did make me happy, Rachel. Before Puck came into the picture, I was actually the happiest I had ever been in my entire life, and even though you hurt me I don't regret what we had."

"You don't?" I sob

"Of coarse not." She assures me "Rachel, our relationship wasn't all bad. We had some good times too. You were my first girlfriend. You were the first person I ever made love to. You were the first person I held hands with in the hallway. You were the person I was with when I came out to my freinds and family. You were my first love, Rachel. I will never regret that." I feel myself crying much harder than I was before. She's just so perfect, and it took me so long to realize that

"Thank you, Santana." I say before I hug her tightly "Why didn't I realize how perfect you are when you were mine?"

"I'm not perfect, Rach." She says before hugging me back "If I was perfect you wouldn't of cheated on me. If I was perfect, I would of had you all to myself. If I was perfect, you would of never felt like you needed Puck."

"Santana, stop." I place my hands on her shoulders and look her in the eye "You are perfect. I cheated with Noah, because I was an idiot. What I had with Noah was a mistake. I would do anything to take it back if I could. My cheating was not your fault. It was mine."

"You being an idiot is not a valid excuse for chaeting." Santana says with tears pouring down her face "Why did you? Please, be honest with me. What made you cheat on me?"

"San," I sigh "This is suppose to be about us moving on. I don't want to hurt you anymore."

"I can never really move on if you don't tell me." Santana says in a stern voice "It will bother me for the rest of my life if I don't know." She has a point. If we want to move on, then we have to be completely honest with each other

"When we first started dating, I didn't like that we had to be a secret. In public you would act like a total stranger. You acted like you didn't notice me at all." I explain "In private, I felt like the most important person in the world to you, but in public I fely like your dirty little secret. Noah wasn't afraid to show me off in public. He would hold my hand or kiss me in the hallway without caring who saw us. He wasn't ashamed of me. He told me he loved me and I believed him. I believed him when he said he would do anything to protect me. I thought I loved him, but our whole relationship was a lie. He didn't love me. He never loved me." I try to even out my breathing as I cry harder "You love me right?"

"Shhh calm down, Rach." Santana says before wrapping her arms around me "Of coarse I did. There will always be a part of me that loves you, Rachel, but it's over for us. I do love you though. I'll always be here for you, even if it's as your friend and nothing else."

"We really did have a good thing going." I sob into her chest "Until Noah."

"Yeah," Santana chuckles "You pucked up." This time I laugh into her chest

"You're such a dork!" I say as we pull apart

"You love it." She smirks

"I love you." It comes out before I have a chance to stop it. Now the two of us are standing here in akward silence. Why did I say that!

"Diva one!" San and I turn our heads to see Kurt and Mercedes "Sorry, just Diva two and Diva three here to check on Diva one." Mercedes says

"Mercy." Kurt whines "I know that we agreed that Rachel was Diva one, but why do I have to be Diva three?"

"Why should you be Diva two, is the better question." Mercedes says

"I have the talent to back up the attitude."

"So do I."

"I have a great fashion sense."

"So do I."

"I'm gay."

"I'm black."

"Yo Kurtcedes!" Santana yells "Do you think you can find somewhere else to argue about who the biggest bitch is?"

"Diva." Kurt corrected "And fine. We just needed to make sure Rachel was alright."

"I'm fine, guys." I assure them and they nod before leaving

"So," Santana starts "Where do we go from here?"

"You said you could be my friend." I say "Do you really want that?"

"Yes." She nods "I want you in my life, Rachel."

"Then, friends it is." I say reaching my hand out for hers

"Friends." She laughs and shakes my hand before the bell rings "I guess we have to go to class, friend."

"I guess we do." I say before the two of us walk out of the classroom to find Tanya standing there

"There you are, babe." She says before kissing Santana "Will you walk me to class."

"Sure." Santana says before taking her girlfriend by the hand and walking down the hall

"Rachel!" I see Kurt and Mercedes waited for me "Are you ok?"

"Tell me I did the right thing." I sob before Kurt and Mercedes both wrap their arms around me

"You did the right thing." Kurt whispers

"We're here for you, Diva."

"I love you guys." I sob as they hold me tighter

"We love you too."

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><p><strong>I hope you guys liked it and please review!<strong>


	11. Chapter 11

**Hello there once again readers! First I would like to say thank you for the reviews! This story is coming to an end soon. I only have one more chapter after this one. Anyway here it is and I hope you enjoy!**

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><p>It's been two weeks decided to be friends and everything is going really well. Rachel and I hang out and Tanya has absolutely no problem with it. Speaking of Tanya, I think we're doing pretty well. She doesn't even get jealous when I talk about Rachel. Right now Tanya and I are sitting in my room watching a movie. At least we were until Tanya decide to straddle me and start kissing my neck<p>

"Baby." I whimper as Tanya brings her hands to my breats and squeezes them gently

"Do you like that, Baby?" Tanya asks directly into my ear before taking it between her teeth

"Yes." I moan

"Say my name, Baby." I try to say her name, but I can't think straight when she's sucking on my pulse point and squeezing my breast "I said say my name." I feel my eyes roll to the back of my head before I say

"Rachel."

"What?" Tanya shouts as she pulls away from me

"Tanya." I say grabbing her arm "I said Tanya?"

"Really?" She asks pulling her arm away from me and jumping out of my bed "Because, it really sounded like you said Rachel, as in your ex-girlfriend Rachel."

"Babe," I jump out of my bed and try to stop her from leaving "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. It just slipped out."

"It just slipped out!" Tanya shouts "You were thinking of her while you're with me!"

"No!" I shout back "You're over reacting, Rachel."

"Who?" Shit! I said it again didn't I?

"Tanya! I mean Tanya!"

"I'm leaving now." Tanya says before pushing me out of the way and running out of my house

"Shit!" I shout as I throw myself onto my bed

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><p>I haven't seen Tanya ever since she left my house. She was clearly pissed off and I can't say I blame her. What the hell was I even thinking? To call her Rachel not only once, but twice? What the hell is wrong with me? Right now I'm walking through school looking for her. I can't find her anywhere<p>

"San?" I turn around and see Rachel standing behind me "Is everything ok?"

"Yeah." I lie of coarse! What else would I say? My girlfriend is pissed off at me, because I said your name while we were making out? No way! That could ruin my new friendship with Rachel! I can't let that happen!

"Liar." Oh yeah I forgot Rachel always knows when I'm lying "What's wrong?"

"It's Tanya." I sigh "She's pissed off at me."

"What did you do?" Rachel asks teasingly

"What makes you think I did something?" I ask pretending to be offended

"I dated you for almost a year, Santana. I know you have no filter, and there for say whatever you please." Rachel points out "That mouth can get you in trouble sometimes."

"If I remember correctly, it was my mouth that also got me out of trouble." I smirk

"Santana!" Rachel laughs as she slaps my arm playfully "Must you be so vulgar?"

"Yes I must."

"Are you going to tell me what happened or what?"

"No." The last thing I need is for Rachel to find out what happened "I can't."

"Why not?" Rachel asks sounding hurt "I thought you were starting to trust me again."

"I do trust you, Rachel." I assure her "I just can't tell you what happened."

"Oh." She says as if she just realized something "You guys fought about me ha?"

"What?" I ask "No! Why would you even think that?"

"You can't lie to me, Santana." Oh yeah I forgot again "Does she have a problem with us being friends?"

"No!" I shout quickly "Not at all. She's the one who told me to fix things with you so we can be friends. She knows how much I want to have you in my life."

"Then what is it?" I take a deep breath before I answer her

"." I mumble all at once

"What?"

"I said your name while we were making out." I whisper this time

"Oh." Now here comes the akward silence! I was trying to avoid hurting my friendship with Rachel! I just ruined it! "You fucked up big time." She chuckles

"Ha?" Of all the things she could of said in that moment, I was not expecting that

"I'm just asying." Rachel shrugs "No wonder she's mad at you."

"What do I do?" I whine "I don't want her to be mad at me. I don't even know what I was thinking."

"She obviously thinks that you were thinking about me while you two were being intamite." Rachel explains "Wouldn't you be hurt if she was to say an ex's name while making out with you?"

"Yeah." I sigh "Id be really pissed off actually."

"So, you have to let her know it meant nothing." Rachel says in a stern voice

"Right." I nod "I'm really glad we're frineds, Rachel."

"Me too." She smiles before hugging me. I smile before hugging her back "I need you in my life, Santana. Even if it's just as my best friend."

"I know, Rach." I whisper "I need you too." Holding Rachel like this feels different and familar all at the same time. Different in a way where it feels I'm holding her as so much more than my best friend, but familar in a way where I'm holding the love of my life. The way I use to hold her after the first time we made love. How it felt to find the one. She's the only one I ever felt that way with

"Go fix things with your girlfriend." Rachel says before pushing me playfully "A little birdie told me she was in the auditorium."

"Mercedes?" I chuckle

"Kurt actually." She laughs "Go! Now!"

"Ok!" I laugh before running towards the auditorium

When I get to the auditorium, I fin Tanya sitting in the front row. I'm not exactly sure what I'm suppose to say to her. I just don't want to fight with her. I don't want her to be mad at me

"What do you want, Santana?" Here goes nothing

"I want to talk to you." I say softly before sitting next to Tanya "I don't want to fight with you, Tanya."

"I don't want to fight either." She sobs "Which is why we have to break up."

"What?" I shout "Break up? Why?"

"You still love her." She whispers

"Tanya, please." I beg "I want to be with you."

"Look me in the eye and tell me you're not in love with her." Tanya demands "Tell me that it's really me you want to be with."

"I...uh...I...Can't." I whisper as I feel a tear rolling down my cheek. I thought I was getting over her! I thought I was moving on, but I still love her! I love Rachel!

"It's ok you know." Tanya says before taking my hand "I'm not mad at you or anything."

"What?" I ask confused "Why?"

"You can't help who you love." Tanya explains "And you don't love me. You love Rachel."

"I really care about you, Tanya." I say as I cry harder "You're one of my best friends. Please tell me I didn't screw that up."

"Hey," She says before wrapping her arms around me "Don't you dare go soft on me now, Lopez. You and I were friends before we tried the whole datin thing and we'll be friends long after it's over."

"Really?" I ask hopefully

"Duh!" She laughs "You'll always be my friend, San."

"Thank you." I smile before standin up and opening my arms "Now hug your friend."

"You're such a dork!" She chuckles before she stands up and hugs me

"I do love you, Tanya." I whisper

"I know. I love you too." She whispers back "But, you're in love with Rachel."

"I'm so sorry." I say before we pull apart

"Don't be." Tanya smiles "You can't help who you fall for."

"You are being so cool about this."

"I know. I'm just awesome like that." She shrugs "Now go get your girl!"

"Right now?" I ask

"No next tuesday." She rolls her eyes "Yes now! Right now! Go!"

"Ok!" I roll my eyes "Who knew you were so pushy?"

"Why are you still talking to me?" She shouts playfully "Go!"

"Fine! I'm going!" I laugh before I run out of the auditorium

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><p><strong>I hope you liked it and please review! Also I was thinking of writing a prequel to this story to show how Santana and Rachel got together and how Puck came into the picture. Let me know what you think!<strong>


	12. Chapter 12

**Hello there once again my beautiful readers! I know it's been awhile since I updated this one and I'm so sorry about that. I had the worst case of writer's block! Thank you so much for being patient and sticking with this story. I am both happy and sad to report that this is the last chapter for this story. It was a lot of fun to write and I hope you guys enjoy it!**

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><p>I knew letting Santana go would be hard, but I know I did the right thing. I had my chance with her and I blew it. But just because I'm ok with letting her go, does not mean that it doesn't hurt seeing her happy with someone else. It hurts a lot actually, but I can't get involved with their relationship. You'd think that I was happy that Santana said my name while she was kissing her girlfriend, but instead I felt bad for Tanya. I don't want to cause problems in their relationship. I honestly just want Santana to be happy. I can't help but wish I was the one making her happy though. I know Santana says that she forgives me, which I'm so grateful for, but I can't help but feel that I don't deserve it. I love having Santana as my friend, but do I even deserve that? I just hurt her so much that it makes me sick to think about it. What was I thinking? Am I some kind of monster? Am I such a bad person that I would cheat on the person I loved without even giving it a second thought?<p>

"Stop that." I've been so lost in my own thoughts that I almost forgot that Kurt and Mercedes were her for a girls night

"Stop what?" I ask Mercedes

"You're thinking about Santana." Kurt says before turning off the movie we were just watching "What is it now? Are we going to kill San's girlfriend or something?"

"No!" I say sounding kind of hurt "I would never so such a thing! I meant it when I said that I want Santana to be happy. Even if it's not with me."

"Then what's on your mind?" Mercedes asks

"I just," I sigh before I continue "I can't believe that Santana's forgiven me for everything I've done to her. I don't even think I deserve her friendship."

"Don't do that." Kurt says seriously "Don't beat yourself up about this."

"He's right, Rachel." Mercedes says "Santana chose to forgive you and be your friends again. If she can forgive you then you can forgive yourself."

"Forgive myself?" I ask giving her a confused look

"Yup." She nods "You made some mistakes, Rachel. You're only human. All you can do is accept what happened and move on."

"I agree." Kurt says "Santana is moving on. You should too move on too." I guess my friends are right. If I don't let it go then I'll never move on. I'm not sure that I'll ever get over Santana, but I guess I've got to move on sometime.

"You guys are right." I sigh "I do just need to accept the fact that it happened and move on. I just don't know how to do that. How do you get over the fact that you hurt the person you love more than anything in the world?"

"Well, I would never even consider cheating like you-"

SMACK!

"Ow! What the hell, Mercedes?" Kurt shouts while rubbing the back of his head where Mercedes just hit him

"You are not helping." She glares at him "She knows what she did. We're trying to help her move on."

"You're right." Kurt sighs "I'm sorry, Rachel."

"It's fine, Kurt." I say even though it's not. I'm truly going to have to live with what I've done for the rest of my life. How could I possibly move on?

"It's not fine." He says sincerely before taking my hand "I shouldn't of said that. I know how much you regret it and it's not even my place to have an opinion. You're not a bad person, Rachel. You made a mistake is all. I'm sorry if I made you feel that way."

"But you're right, Kurt. I cheated on the girl I love more than anything and broke her heart. How am I not a bad person?"

"You took complete responsibility for your actions." Mercedes starts explaining "You never once tried to deny it and you never tried to hurt Santana. Yes what you did was wrong, but you didn't try to justify it. You didn't make excuses or even try to blame someone else. You accepted the consequences of your actions and you even did whatever it took to make Santana happy even though it meant she wasn't with you. That's what makes you a good person."

"Thank you." I say before hugging my friends "You guys have really been there for me. You're my best friends."

"You're ours too, Rach." Kurt says as we pull apart. I guess Kurt and Mercedes are right. I can't continue to beat myself up over something that Santana has already forgiven me for. I guess it's time for me to move on too.

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><p>It turns out moving on isn't as easy as it sounds. I go to school and the first thing I see is Santana talking to Tanya. It's kind of hard to see what they're doing from where I'm standing though. I heard a rumor that they broke up last week, but I have no idea if it's true. All I know is they still spend an awful lot of time together and Santana hasn't really talked to me since she told me what happened while her and Tanya were making out. Other than that I don't know what happened, but it's really none of my business. I refuse to get in the middle of Santana's relationship when I know she's happy. I'm seriously just trying to move on, but it's just so hard.<p>

I can't even take my eyes off of Santana. At least until I see Santana wrap her arms around Tanya and then Tanya kiss San on the cheek. Just because I want her happy, does not mean I want to watch her kiss her girlfriend. That's when I run into the choir room and try my best not to cry. Santana is happy now. She's happy and she deserves it, but it doesn't make the pain go away completely. I'm still very much in love with her. Her happiness means everything to me. I just wish I could make her happy the way I use to. I just want her back in my arms so badly. I'm trying my hardest to stay strong, but I feel tears trying to escape before I can stop them

"Rachel?" I look up to see Quinn and Brittany by the door. I really hope they aren't going to tell me how much of a bad person I am. I know I hurt their best friend, but I can't handle hearing it from them anymore. I already have a tough time forgetting about it with having them remind me

"Are you ok, Berry?" Well that was certainly unexpected. Why would they ask me if I'm ok? "Why are you crying?"

"Why do you even care?" I don't mean to sound so rude, but it certainly came out that way

"Because for some reason Santana chose to, not only forgive you, but to also be your friend again." Quinn says before her and Brigg sit next to me "We also have a lot of respect for you since San told us you were backing off and letting her be happy with Tanya."

"That had to be really hard for you." Britt says "You still love her don't you, Rachel?"

"Of course I do." I feel even more tears trying to escape "But it doesn't matter. I blew my chance with her. Now all I can do is sit back while she's happy with Tanya. I'll never have her that way again." I don't even try to hold back my tears. I am full on sobbing now and I don't care

"Please don't cry, Rach." Britt says before wrapping her arms around me and I cry into her shoulder

"You really do love her." Quinn says as if she just realized it "Don't you?"

"Yes." I shake my head against Brittany's shoulder "I love her so much."

"What if I told you that I know a way for you to get her back?" Quinn asks which causes me to shoot my head up and look at her

"Why would you help me get her back?" I ask

"I can tell that you really love her." Quinn says softly "I know she still loves you, so it only makes sense that I help out my best friend."

"What about Tanya?"

"They broke up last week, Rach." Britt says "Santana totally loves you." I couldn't hide the smile on my face if I wanted to. Santana still loves me?

"I can't." I sigh

"What?" Quinn asks completely shocked "Why the hell not?"

"I've already hurt her so much. I won't deny that if Santana told me she wants to get back together, I would say yes in a heartbeat, but I can't pursue her. I can't pressure her to take me back. It took me long enough to get her friendship again. I don't want to ruin that too." I explain before I get up and walk out of the choir room

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><p><strong>SANTANA'S POV<strong>

I can not believe how cool Tanya is being about this whole thing. I was so scared that I was going to lose her as a friend. I couldn't handle that, because she is one of my closest friends. It's kind of hard to talk to her about Rachel though. I know she told me to get her back last week, but honestly I got scared. I want Rachel back more than anything, but I also don't know what to say to her. We've worked so hard to get our friendship back. What if I ruin that? I need Rachel in my life. It's just really confusing and that is exactly why I'm standing here talking to Tanya about Rachel. I didn't want to talk to my ex-girlfriend about how much I want to get back together with my other ex-girlfriend, but it's not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. Tanya and I have been friends for a really long time, so it's actually easy to talk to her about this stuff.

"You should of gone after her when I told you to." Tanya says before she shuts her locker ans looks at me "What the hell is taking you so long?"

"I chickened out ok! I just don't want to ruin my friendship with her. Her and I have worked so hard to get that back. What if I screw it up?" I know that I sound like a coward, but I can't lose Rachel again. I need her in my life.

"Are you serious? Rachel would drop on her knees and come crawling back to you in a second." If anyone else talked about Rachel like that I would punch them in the face, but this is Tanya. I know she's just trying to help "Anyone with eyes can see that she's in love with you."

"How can you possibly be helping me with this?" I ask "Shouldn't you be like super pissed of at me?"

"Why would I be mad at you?" Tanya asks genuinely confused

"How about the fact that I completely ruined our relationship, because I'm still in love with my ex-girlfriend?" I know Tanya says she's ok with it, but it still bugs me. How can she be so cool about this?

"Will you stop worrying about me?" Tanya asks sounding kind of annoyed

"No." I put simply "I love you. You're one of my best friends and I feel that you're being way too cool about this break up."

"It fucking hurts ok?" Tanya shouts "I love you, San. I'm not saying that I'm in love with you, but I could of been! I could of loved you the way you deserved, but you don't love me! You don't want to be with me! You want to be with some girl who cheated on you and broke your heart! The sad thing is, I'm helping you get back together with her! I'm helping you win the heart of someone else, because I just want to see my best friend happy! Are you happy now?" When Tanya's done shouting I notice that she's crying. I didn't know what else to do, so I just wrap my arms around her "I'm sorry."

"For what?" I ask

"I shouldn't of blown up on you like that. I meant what I said when I told you to go after Rachel. All I want is for you to be happy. You're my best friend Santana." She sobs into my shoulder

"You don't have to be sorry, Sweetie." I whisper as I hold her tighter "You did nothing wrong. I'm the one who's sorry. I didn't want to hurt you Tanya. I love you."

"I know you do." She says as she pulls away from me "You're just in love with Rachel. I understand, San. I'll get over it I promise. You just can't help who you fall for."

"Thank you." I whisper "You seriously are a great friend."

"I know." Tanya smiled before kissing me on the cheek "Now go get your girl for real this time."

"I will." I chuckle before I go to my next class. I can always see Rachel during glee.

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><p>I'm starting to get a little worried here. I haven't see Rachel at all today and she didn't show up for glee rehearsal. I know she was here, because I saw her this morning. I don't think she's sick, because even when she is she never misses rehearsal. One time she even showed up when she couldn't talk, but still managed to try and direct everybody. I thought it was kind of cute, but that's besides the point. Point is, Rain or shine Rachel always shows up to glee. I just can't imagine what could of happened that would cause her to leave. Maybe Mercedes and Kurt know something. They're her best friends after all<p>

"Kurt! Mercedes!" I shout as I run across the parking lot and towards them "Have either one of you seen Rachel?" I ask as I approach them

"Not since this morning." Kurt says

"Do you have any idea why she wasn't in glee today?"

"We have no clue." Mercedes shrugs "We were just wondering that ourselves. We were going to go by her house and check on her."

"I'll go." I say quickly "I've been so worried about her all day. It might ease my mind a little bit if I see her myself."

"Ok." Kurt and Mercedes nod before I run towards my car and head to Rachel's house

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><p><strong>RACHEL'S POV<strong>

I've been thinking a lot about what Quinn and Brittany told me. I'm so confused about what I'm suppose to do with this information. I don't want to risk my friendship with Santana, but I also don't want to act as if we don't still love each other. What am I suppose to do? If I pursue a relationship with her will she reject me again? Will I lose her as a friend for good this time? All these questions just keep piling in my head, so I came home early to lye in bed and think. It hasn't really helped me though. I still don't know what I'm going to do

"Rachel!" I shoot up from my bed when I hear someone shouting from outside my bedroom door. I'd know that voice anywhere. I jump out of bed and swing my door open

"What do you want, Noah?" I ask before I cross my arms and sit down on my bed. I really don't want to deal with him right now

"I just want to talk. I noticed you weren't at rehearsal today and I was worried." He says before sitting next to me

"I'm perfectly fine." I say as I turn my head away from him

"Don't act like that, Babe." He says before he tries to wrap his arm around me, but I push it away

"Be like what, Noah? I don't want to talk to you." Of all people who could of come check on me it just had to be him!

"You think you're so much better than me don't you?" Noah shouts before he pulls me towards him and crashes our lips together. I try my best to push him away, but he's so much stronger than me "When are you going to accept that you're my girl. You already blew it with the only other person who's actually ever going to love you when you cheated ob her with, who was it again, oh that's right it was me! So don't act like you're better than me, because you're not! You're just as bad as me." He pushes me onto the bed and forces himself on top of me. He starts kissing my neck

"Get off of me, Noah!" I shout while I try my hardest to push him off of me

"Don't even try to tell me that you didn't miss this." He says before he continues to kiss my neck. I was about to slap his face when I feel him suddenly being pulled away from me

"You no good piece of shit!" I hear Santana shout before she throws Noah to the floor and kicks him in the stomach "When a girl tells you to stop then you stop! Do you understand me?"

"Fuck! Yes! I understand!" Noah shouts as Santana continues to kick him

"That's enough, San!" As much as I love that she's standing up for me, I'm still against her using violence in my home. She seems to get the point, because she looks at me and nods

"You need to leave, Puckerman." Santana says as she picks up Noah off the floor and throws him towards the door "Now!"

"Fine! You can keep the whore! It's only a matter of time before she comes running to me like she did before, but by then it'll be too late!" Noah shouts before he storms out of my house

**SANTANA'S POV**

I watch Puck walk out Rachel's front door and I swear I've never felt so disgusted with someone before. Who the hell forces themselves on a girl like that? I swear I would of killed him if Rachel didn't ask me to stop. How dare he put his hands on her when she said no. I have half a mind to run after him and properly kick his ass.

"As much as I love you defending my honor, I really don't need you to go after him. I'm perfectly fine and I don't want you to get in trouble because of me." How the hell does she always know what I'm thinking?

"Are you ok?" I know she just said she's perfectly fine, but I still had to ask

"I'm ok, San." Rachel assures me "He didn't hit me or anything. He just kind of forced himself on me."

"I would of killed him if he hit you." I say seriously "He should if backed up when you said no." Rachel just nods as silence takes over her room. What the hell am I suppose to say now? I came over because I was worried, bit now what?

"He's gone now." Rachel says breaking the silence "You don't have to stay if you don't want to."

"I want to." I smile before I sit next to her "I have to tell you something, Rachel. I want you to listen to everything I have to say without interruptions." She nods before I continue "I'm still in love with you. I love you so much it Hurst. I know you hurt me, but that's all in the past. Giving my heart to you again might be kind of hard, but do you know what's harder? Me going one more day without you in my arms. Waking up in the morning without your good morning phone calls. Eating lunch without you lecturing me about the junk I eat. Doing homework without you telling me to stop trying to stick my hand up your sweater and to actually do my homework. Living my life without calling you mine. That's truly the hardest thing I'll ever have to do." I wait for Rachel to give me an answer and when she doesn't, I start to freak out a little bit. That is until she crashes her lips against mine. We continue to kiss until the need for oxygen is too great and we pull away to rest our foreheads against each other

"I've missed that." Rachel admits "I love you so much, Santana. I thought that I lost you forever. What I did to you-"

"Is in the past." I cut her off "I just want to move on with you by my side. I want to talk about something before we do though."

"Ok." Rachel nods before she slides away from me so we can talk "What about?"

"I was never ashamed of you." Rachel opens her mouth to say something, but I raise my hand for her to stop "Let me say this. I was afraid of being gay. I was afraid of the cruelty that comes from being different in Lima. I was a afraid that people would treat me differently, bit I was never ashamed of you. I love you, Rachel Barbara Berry. I'll spend the rest of my life showing you how proud I am to call you mine. That is if you'll let me."

"Of course I'll let you." Rachel smiles before she kisses me again

This time the kiss is far more hot and needy as we fall back on the bed and I pulled her on top of me. My God how I've missed this. The feel of her body against mine. We fit together perfectly. It was like we were made for each other. I can't believe how long I went without feeling her like this. I hope I never go through that again.

"I've missed you so much." Rachel says before she pulls my uniform top off quickly and notices I'm not wearing a bra. She smirks before taking one of my erect nipples into her mouth. The things this girl can do with her mouth is insane! We just started and I could already feel myself getting very wet. I don't rush her though. I've missed her touch way too much for this to end so quickly. So, I just sit back and let her feel my breats the way she use to. Sucking on one nipple and pinching the other. It's been so long since she touched me, but she still remembers exactly what drives me crazy.

"You have on too much clothes." I moan as Rachel releases my nippple with a 'pop'. She smiles at me before removing her sweater and showing me that she also decided not to wear a bra today. She then hops out of bed and removes her skirt and underwear.

"You are so beautiful." I say as Rachel pulls down my spanks and panties then takes off my skirt leaving us both completely naked as she straddles me. I reach out my hands to touch her, but she slaps them away

"Nah uh, Babe." Rachel smirks before sliding her hand up and down my wet folds "Today is all about you." How can I possibly argue with that?

Rachel wastes absolutely no time as she sticks two fingers inside me and starts thrusting quickly. I know I'm not going to last long when she starts sucking on my nipple again and quickens her thrusts. I'm almost embarrassed by how close I am, only because I don't want this to end, but I can't help it. Rachel knows my body too well and not to mention she's drop dead gorgeous. I never had a chance

"Fuck! Just like that, baby!" I shout as she flicks my clit with her thumb

"I've missed this so much, Baby. I love you and I thought I'd never be with you like this again. I promise I will never betray your trust again. I will show you everyday how much I love you." You would think that me being so close to an orgasm that I wouldn't be able to concentrate on Rachel's words, but I do. I hear everything she says and I can tell in my heart that she means it.

"I...I...lo-love you too." I didn't mean to stutter like an idiot, but my girlfriend has two fingers inside me! We're lucky that I can even think right now! "More! Faster, baby."

Rachel removes her fingers to add a third one before thrusting into me with a force that I can't even explain, but damn it feels so good! When she lowers her head and sucks my clit into her mouth I know I'm a goner

"Oh yes, Rachel!...Fuck! I'm so close, baby!" I shout as I feel my very powerful orgasm build inside me. I feel Rachel pull her face away from me to say "Let go, baby. I'll catch you every time." Before sucking my clit back into her mouth. I claimax with Rachel's name falling off my tongue before she pulls out of me and cuddles with can not describe the love I not only give to this girl, but also feel from this girl right now. She's making me feel like I'm the most important person in the world to her that's all I ever wanted.

"I love you, Rachel." I smile before kissing the top of her head

"I love you too." I can tell that she means that. I know that she loves me and only me. It's finally just going to be me and her at last. The way it should always be. No more Puckerman to come between us. What else would you expect when it's either him or me?

**THE END**

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><p><strong>Before you guys get too upset, I'd like you to know that I've decided to write the prequel to this story. It's just going to show how the girls relationship started and how Puck came into the picture. It turns out I love this story way too much to let it go completely. I hope to have that up soon! Anyway lol I love you all and please review!<strong>


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